WET PUSSY FACTORY[aint nothin but a good time]



Dude so i was digging through my facebook pictures [as i am very vain and like to go back and look at pictures of myself] and i found this gem. Ang took it of me back in march when we went to see Hairball at Gerard's in sauk centre, and i was like "damn, that was fun... i should write about that. wait... didn't i already do that?" i very distinctly remember stealing a bunch of pics from Jenn's facebook and making captions on the various hottness of the band member's costumes. did i dream this? cuz i juuuust went through the last few months of the blog and i didnt see it. and lo and behold! here was a nearly completed blog entry about Hairball that i never posted!

So above we have a photo of me trying to be cool and failing miserably. what i am actually doing is air guitaring and making my winking sneer face which is supposed to look "badass." maybe it does while im in action... but my feeling is that it does not or my friends would not have been taking pictures of me and laughing. oh well. i had beers.

[pic from Hairballs FB page... totally awesome huh?]

To explain, Hairball is a cover band that covers all the awesome 80s hair bands: Poison, Def Leppard, Guns & Roses [is it Guns n Roses? i dont fucking know], Aerosmith, then other bands of the era like Alice Cooper, Queen and FUCKING PRINCE. im not a huge cover band fan but the very best part is the lead singer dresses up like each band their covering, and the live show is just fucking fantastic. lots of theater, lots of awesome imitations of the mannerisms of the singers. y'all know you can lure me in with costume changes.

Somewhat retarded fact: for the entire show i was mystified how they did the costume changes so fucking fast... i mean there is barely any gap at all between songs, and to transform into prince theres a whole crazy frilly suit to put on and fucking brown makeup!! [blackface is totally acceptable in this context] then after the show Amy informed me there are actually two lead singers. maybe im blind but i couldnt tell the difference. did i ruin the magic for you? im sorry. ps santas not real either.

Our friend Jenn [on the left above, with Ang] is totally obsessed with Hairball. shes seen them a bunch of times, and all the awesome pics of the band in this post are by her [and thus not actually from the show we went to] [thanks Jenn!]. she even has a Hairball scrapbook which she got all the guys to sign at this show! this was the first time i could make it to a show and i was super psyched. an 80s show! fucking rock show! nothing i love more than getting dressed up for a fucking rock show... so i got all out insane with my flashy ass sparkly zebra w/lace shoulders top, jean skirt, purple tights and knee high faux converese with crazy graffiti print. this outfit would cause several problems for me down the road, but we'll get there.

so the show was in scenic Sauk Centre, about an hours drive up 94 from St Cloud. mini road trip with my girls!! Jenn and Amy piled in my car and we headed up, passing by several disturbing "We Do Cows!"  billboards [next to a church! apparently along with little boys, its ALSO ok to do cows]. north country... is scary. we did lol though.

They were preforming at Gerards, which is a like a restaurant/sports bar with an event center attached. where you can get a "Family Bucket" of beer... :{ we ate dinner there beforehand... if you ever eat there, dont waste your time on the appetizer sampler despite the lure of cheese curds-- most of those fuckers were empty!!! or teeny tiny cheese nubs. FAILCURDS! but do be sure and get dessert! right now i cant remember what the fuck i had, but it was unbelieveably delicious. was it lemony? or cheesecake? i cant remember. amy had one of those melty chocolate cakes and that was awesome too. it was one of those "lets order four more of these!" desserts. very "why the fuck did we eat regular dinner??"

OMG so i lost my photo of this but it was totally amazing.... we popped out to the car to put away our leftovers when i noticed the sign on the door of Amigos, the adjoining restaurant: GOTTA PULL IT HARD. so Ang and i went to pose in front of it, with handjobby gestures [which i dont think translated onto film as well as we thought], when this guy popped out of the restaurant and was like "Oh i'm sorry, is the sign offending you?" and he took it down!!! lol why would we be offended by that? and by the looks of us, would we be offended by anything vaguely handjob related? anyways what a crime that he took it down, it was hilarious.

As we finished dinner and moved into the event center to wait for the show, i started getting kind of confused/nervous about the nature of the crowd. lots of baseball caps. lots of 40ish people, soccer moms, hick couples, extremely terrible clothes. we seemed to be the only ones who had come ready to rock. Amy and i headed to the bar, got some sex on the beaches and the mysterious Woo Tang shots [what in them? we dont care, theyre called fucking Woo Tangs], and when we get back to the table i set my drinks down and then i notice that Amy has circled back to the table full of old people & hicks behind us and is bent over talking to them. she comes back and i have to bug her for a minute to get her to tell me what she was doing-- it turns out they were pointing and laughing at me as i was walking by. A-Holes!!! so my boo goes over there and tells them if they have something to say they can come over and say it to our fucking faces. I LOVE MY BESTIE!!! i felt fucking invincible, nothing makes you feel better than having someone stick up for you with a vague threat of violence!

After that i was like "fuck all y'all! we're having a good time tonight! we're here to rock!" i mean who the fuck goes to a rock show and then points and laughs at a girl with a blue mohawk??? sorry i forgot to wear my miller light baseball cap and my mom jeans! or, as the guy in the above pic is sportin, my austin powers tee shirt. that thing was fucking HYPNOTIZING, i could not stop staring at it all night.

Dude those soccer moms got fucking WILD though. look at this table! its the same table that austin powers and his momjeans friend are sitting at above! some soccer mom bitch who looked like she taught sunday school-- cardigan over her shoulders and everything-- was standing on one of the chairs rocking out and wouldnt get down when the security guard told her to, instead she was giving him little come hither gestures and shit! we saw all sorts of crazy things... the same chick was doing some swing dance shit with her man, and he did that thing where they stand back-to-back and link arms and he flipped her up over his head... and then dropped the bitch! we LOLd so hard!!!

Oh shit, and there was this amazing old hippie guy who did his little wavy-arm hippie dance the entire time, he was SO AWESOME and i wanted to ask him for drugs.

Heres some highlights of the bands they cover...

Axl Rose. aww i miss young hot Axl. he was so twinky and pretty. i really want a classic G&R shirt. i discovered the joys of belting 'sweet child o mine' [a song i dont usually particularly like] at the top of my lungs along with a crowd. everything becomes better when youve had a few drinks, are all amped up on rock and surrounded by a crowd in the same state.

while the singer was offstage between songs, Happy was talking up the next band they were going to cover, saying ladies go so nuts over the lead singer whenever they play their songs, its "gonna turn this place into a WET PUSSY FACTORY!!" i gave the biggest rock on and cheered my azz off. pussy factory ftw! and out comes... bret michaels. lol.  i totally haaaaaaaaaaaaate bret michaels, or as i like to call him by his porn parody name, the Crock of Love. but Poison covers do inevitably rule. they did 'talk dirty to me' and 'nothin but a good time' which are of course awesome... but im a huge fan of 'unskinny bop' which me and my friend Misty used to yell at each other all the time... "BOP BOP BOP BOP!" ohhh and 'i want action,' that song RULES!!! maybe they'll do it next time.

a little more bret for ya... you gotta admit its a good impression.

def leppard... this outfit was fucking hot. if any guy wore this shirt and scarf combo i would totally bone them.

like i said there was an awesome Prince impression. the Alice Cooper was sick as well because he has a fucking GIANT LIVE SNAKE that he comes out with and holds while he sings. oh yes and the show ended with Twisted Sister, an entirely pink outfit complete with hot pink mic stand that made me wet my panties.

i totally have a boner for Happy, the guitarist. he rocks!!! he did a lot of awesome shredding and an epic Star Spangled Banner. mmm the guitary hotness.... i know he looks sweaty and gross but i dont care, thats the rocker way. oh and you can see they're doing Aerosmith right now.

their drummer was yummy also... hard to get pics of a drummer of course but he had lovely long hair, which is totally my thing right now.

The show ended at long last and dammit if they werent right, that floor was wet and nasty as hell!! i think it was mostly spilled beer but there had to at least have been some pussy juice in there. we took some pictures... which we shouldve done BEFORE the show when we werent all sweaty and mussed but oh well.

well, Ang always looks fucking perfect i guess. Josh's face was phasing into another dimension, a possible side effect of his charlie sheen shirt.

Josh took a group pic of the ex-Lane Bryant ladies [you can see Amy and i were all pink-- it was hot up in that bitch!! big gals be roastin], and just as he was about to take it Ang started to get all girlfriend on his ass about something... i cant remember what, but check that fucking RIGHTEOUS girlfriend scowl! somebody was doing SOMETHIN wrong. *whipcrack*

haha apparently the issue was resolved.

So we had to make a final peepee stop before we left Gerards, and it was all fucking WHACK in the ladies room!! super crowded and throughout the course of the concert had become dirty as hell [no hate on Gerards' facilities... i went in beforehand and it was nice, those hick bitches are just nasty]. there was a used tampon applicator on the floor in my stall! so i go to pee and im goin at it and notice fucking STEAM is coming up between my thighs!! im like GUYS MY PEE IS STEAMING HALP!!!! thats how hawt i am. i was alarmed but found out through later confrence that the other gals experienced the same thing, it was just so frigging hot in the concert and then freezing cold in the bathroom there was some atomospheric shit happening. this happened to me again at a bar so i guess its not that weird. either that or my body is extremely weird.

Hmm i feel like shit happened in the parking lot... oh yeah! it had frosted up while we were in there so i was scraping my car and so was the car next to me, and there was a very drunk guy there who was asking all of us how hot we thought he was on a scale of 1-10. Amy totally lied and i think told him he was like a 6. i partially lied and told him i was a lesbian and thus had no opinion. its not entirely false! then i guess after we left Ang and Josh saw some boobies in a limo... dammit!!! i always miss the good stuff.

So in summary Hairball definately fucking rocks... the concert was awesome, i could sing and stomp to Queen and ACDC all night long. go see them if you get the chance!! i missed their april show due to my crazies but ill definately be reporting on more shows this summer. LOL according to their calander they're playing at the "Worlds Largest Office Party" in Eau Claire, WI. that sounds so intriguingly lame... if it wasnt a long ass drive id totally go! i wonder if theres a huge potluck where everybody makes their favorite dip? i think everyone should go dressed as their favorite Office character. i have a total Phyllis sweater!

I digress. keep on rockin.


[via hairball's fb]

all Hairball live photos (c) Jenn L.
Gerards
1225 Timberlane Drive
Sauk Centre, MN 56378
(320) 351-3463

They Call me Spitfire [tales of madness and sheenin out]

so as always we'll start the post by appologuising for not blogging ever. i mean it this time though... its been like a month and a half!! some legit shit's gone down though... i was majorly depressed an basically had a mental breakdown, tried to overdose, lost my job, lost my boyfriend. a whole world of suckage. i kind of hit rock bottom and as my mom said, i was "kind of acting like charlie sheen."

its what all the cool kids are doing nowadays!

for the several months of depression i pretty much did nothing but slept 14+ hours a day, more if possible facilitated by taking all manner of sleep aids: amitriptaline which jackies old roommate had left her [i used to take it for sleep problems, its actually an antidepressant but its prescribed for sleep now], drug store sleep pills, nyquil. id sleep, wake up, and take something else. i just didnt want to be awake. i was still dragging my ass out of bed to go to work at Fantasy Gifts but it was a huge struggle every day leading to tears sometimes because i just didnt want to go. while i was there i hated every second of it, especially those when there were customers in the store. i was pretty okay if the store was empty and i was just reading... but any customers sent me into a wiggins. i started shirking ALL the rules and used my phone and read while customers were in the store to make it more tolerable and make msyelf feel less anxious and awkward. i played endless rounds of solitaire on my phone just to have something else to look at other than customers. people probably robbed us blind, but i really didnt care. i was late for work all the time and making constant mistakes, and i was sure i was going to get fired.

i was still dating Luke at this time too but seeing him very rarely, like every other week, due to our work schedules plus when his partner would let him see me. half the time i would cancel our dates especially if they had to do with going out and doing anything or any special things we had planned because of nerves, i just wanted to stay in bed. at the same time i was courting a few other guys, and i would text-flirt them, send them naughty pics, then make plans to meet up and cancell them at the last minute. i think i was just kidding myself to think that i could even leave the house. i would always think, this time would be different, ill really go... and i wouldnt. id do this with everything, going out with friends, my therapy appointments. i couldnt leave the house, i couldnt even leave my bed i was in such a deep depression. i couldnt even put clothes on or take a shower, all i wanted was the darkness and my pillow.

i made a conscious choice to quit going to my therapy and med check appointments. i decided to just give up and go off the deep end, i just didnt give a shit anymore about anything. the only thing remaining was my job, and one day i just gave up on that too. i decided i wasnt going to go, and to avoid it, i took a handful of sleeping pills and antidepressants. yes, i went out and got a pizza beforehand just in case i died, i wanted to treat myself to a good meal [a $5 little caesars pizza... i didnt have the money for lobster]. i ate the pizza, turned off my phone, and told my roommate to check on my in 12 hours to see if i was dead or alive. i cant say if this constitutes an attempt to kill yourself or not, but i definately didnt care if i died or not.

i know rite, how cliche. like one of my high school idols, marla singer: "this isnt a for real suicide thing. this is just one of those cry for help things."

obviously, i woke up. feeling like shit and kind of disappointed that nothing happened, there was no ambulance, no fanfare, and nobody except my roommate knew about it. the problem when you dont actually wind up in the hospital is then you have to actually TELL people that you tried to kill yourself, and thats just kind of awkward. so i had the pleasant task of telling my boss and then my mom about it. im a pussy so i wrote my mom a long, completely insane letter that i hope is saved forever and put in a museum someday. if i had it id scan it right now and post it, the writings all over the page and you can visually see how batshit it am. my mom did her mommy thing and faxed it to my therapist, my psychiatrist and my social worker....

so heres a little lesson for all your aspiring suicidal psychotics out there: if youre planning on writing your loved ones a note about how you want to kill yourself, and they fax that note to a mental health professional, guess what happens? they call the police. so its... five days after my pill-popping event and my roomie wake me up at 8am, scared shitless because the cops are at the door looking at for me. Jackiedarling is currently awaiting trial for a DUI so this scared the TAR out of her, thinkin, "theyre coming to get me!" and *im* thinking, "what the fuck did i do last night???" because the night before me and Amyboo had gone out and gotten shitfaced because well, why the fuck not? when youve gone off the deep end and your main option is going to the mental hospital, you better drink the fuck up while you can. so we did get shitfaced and i was PRETTY sure we didnt do anything illegal but i know Amy did yell "NIGGA PLEASE!!" really loud in the white horse and is that a hate crime...? or maybe did we run somebody over? witness the shenanaigans:

 amy compells me to tell you she does NOT have the herpaderp, she had just gotten a new peircing that day. we are drunk as balls in the White Horse bathroom taking pictures. its about 1am and we were wearing sunglasses in a bar thats dark as an armit. THATS HOW WE ROLL. we'd just bought new sunnies that day... keep in mind that i cannot see SHIT out of mine because they're not prescription.

"wait, stand in front of me so i dont look fat!" thanks a lot boo.

my natural badassery. lookin and feelin invicible... definately winning.

anyways... back to the next mornging, and never in my life have i had a cop at my door so i was scared as fuck. but it was a quick "do you want to kill yourself now? no? well be good." conversation. just a warning though... thats what happens when you tell people you want to kick the bucket. its a pretty ineffectual system unless youre actually passed out in your room about to go into the light and they have to kick the door down.

so then i had some fun conversations with my doctors. around the time i wrote the note i had a major upswing where i was still feeling crazy as hell and like i didnt give a fuck about life but there was a lot of rambling and yelling. i was essentially "sheen-ing out." there was a point where i was ranting to my therapist and i realized i wasnt even listening to what i was saying, i couldnt even understand my own words, and i looked at him and said "did anything i just said make sense?" and he was like "nope."

LONG STORY SHORT, this incident caused my doctors to realize that i am not majorly depressive with borderline personality disorder, im actually bipolar. the two have very similar symptoms and because ive only really been going to therapy when im having major depressive swings they havent really seen the mania so its difficult to diagnose. the problem is that the antidpressants ive been  taking [lately generic Celexa] actually make bipolar symptoms worse, which is why ive gotten incredibly depressed. for the last two weeks ive been on Lithium which is supposed to really help. it also makes me feel AWESOME because its such an uberdrug and is mentioned in a lot of great songs! theres the nirvana song:

and then, more shamefully theres the Evanescence song, which is now stuck in my head all the time.

yeah, so thats my life right now. i dont have a job or a boyfriend anymore, and right now im on a waiting list to get into a partial hospitalization program where'll ill go in every day for like six hours of various kinds of therapy. ive been prepping for this by watching plenty of girl interrupted, although my therapist has informed me that mental hospitalization has been significantly reformed post-reagan so its unlikely ill be hanging around playing acoustic guitar and shaving in front of whoopi goldberg. slightly disappointing. i have this fantasy of looking SO MUCH COOLER than all the other mental patients with my dyed hair and bright fuschia lipstick and everyone will think, well shes crazy but shes so COOL too, ill be like their angelina jolie.

i wouldnt complain if some of this happened.

this is pretty much me.

[bonus late-great brittany murphy! she is SO GOOD in girl interrupted... dont they know its the end of the world?]

so im just hanging out now... kind of in limbo between wanting to act all-out crazy and actively trying to get better. i want to still be crazy when i do get into treatment, you know? gotta impress them all with my mad mania skills. i do admit i was on fire for a while there. see thats the problem with bipolar disorder... the mania part of it just makes me feel totally fucking awesome. im *ON*. i get my perfect outfit and my blue hair and im like, super fucking funny. when i decided to go off the deep end and just let my emotions go i was spouting some hilarious but totally insane shit... por example: so im driving around with jackie i think en route to go clean her old apartment and i see this guy on a bike with the whole lycra shorts and safety helmet, and i just yell at him, "I WANNA TAKE A SHIT ON YOUR HEAD!!!!!" *thats* what happens when i take my filter down. its funny, but it also scares me because it comes out of nowhere and i dont know why seeing a bicyclist makes me want to shit on their head [well i mean, i do really hate people who exercise so self-righteously]. im totally worried that the lithium is going to make me loose my comedy gold, so PLEASE tell me if i stop being funny and i will go back to being a total hot mess.

whats helped me a lot during this time is reading Carrie Fisher's memoir "Wishful Drinking." it deals somewhat with her addictions to alcohol and pills but the underlying cause is her bipolar disorder. the woman is fucking HILARIOUS and i recommend this book to anyone... its got everything: insane hollywood drama from her uberfamous parents [her dad left her mom for the late great liz taylor!], the inside dish on star wars, lots of booze and drugs and craziness escapades and what a dick paul simon is.

[i much prefer this to the gold bikini btw... but thats just me. i like guns and jumpsuits.]

now it turns out all kinds of celebs are coming out bipolar! i got a new People mag that has catherine zeta-jones AND demi lovato talking about how theyve been hospitalized trying to deal with it [lovato also has eating disorder/self injury shit to deal  with, poor kid! and she punched her backup dancer LOLOLOL. i hear ya sister, i feel like punching a bitch all the time]. that does help a lot to hear other people have it, and that others have needed to be hospitalized  to deal with it.

im actually kind of looking forward to the hospitalization process... actually this whole period of being really open with my friends and family about whats been going on internally with me for a long time has been really freeing and nice, i actually... kind of feel like myself for the first time. i hope that ill be able to be a better person when this is through... i feel really terrible about some of the things ive done while ive been sick... especially all the people ive jerked around when i was setting up dates and gettogethers and never going to any of them. i know there are a few people that i burned bridges with that i wont get the opportunity to get to know now and that sucks. for the moment im not really dating and thats kind of good for me i think. but LAWD ive been CELIBATE for like two months, since before Luke and i broke up. i cant say this celibacy is going to last forever... cuz you know how my libido do... but i dont want to keep making promises i cant keep. and if i cant find it in me to make a relationship work with someone i like as much as him then i probably shouldnt be dating at all. eh i dont know... the dating thing is really complicated. with how much my moods and crazy ideas jerk me around i feel like i cant really trust anything i feel, except my deepest emotions like i know i love my friends and some other romantic stuff id rather not talk about.

well, i think this has gone on enough. thats sort of a general picture of whats been going on with me and why i havent been blogging a lot lately. thanks to anybody who read through this encyclopedia de crazie... i promise to be back with more fun things like shoe pics and tales of visiting prison!

xoxoxo
Jesika Gothowitz
[and oh my do i have a story for your about the Gothowitz... but i gotta leave you waiting for more. let your imaginations run wild.]

One Sick Puppy

i haz a sick. its not cool. not cool at all. look how much like hammered ass i look. i was feeling so miserable at work i decided to take terrible photos of myself and send them to my friends looking for sympathy. Amy asked if i had a cold sore and was like "wait, what am i looking at here?" thanks dearest. thats really the kind of question i hope my face inspires. just in case youre wondering what i look like without makeup and at my absolute worst, here ya go:

yup. fat. kinda dykey. looking like i want to be shot. wearing my thundercats hoodie cuz i dont give a fuck. my face is breaking the fuck out as if the toxins inside me are trying to escape from this miserable shell they've been trapped in... really its just because ive done nothing but lay in bed and sleep for the last four days and havent done much in the way of showering. thank you, skin. i appriciate the totally random zit in the middle of my cheek where no oil whatsoever is produced. your spontinaety has been noted.

yup thats what ive been doing the last few days... reading like a fiend. i finished 'angelology,' 'are you there vodka, its me chelsea' and 'betrayed.' a good part of that feels like a waste of my time, as much as reading can be a waste. i should really do a book review post... next. my twitter has been filled with much anti-Pubococcygeal Cast ranting, i feel like im educating the masses on the dangers of really shitty young adult novels. seriously, our childrens minds are at stake!! [lol that would be humorous if there were any stakes in this supposed vampire novel... and i refuse to spell that with a 'y']... oh man i just need to do that book post already. tomorrow. hopefully there will be less snot in my head and i can think a little clearer. REALLY hoping today is the worst day and its not going to get even worse still.

just in case you think im an ugly lump now, here are some not so terrible pics of me to raise a beacon of hope that someday i will look like the sexy kind of hot mess again and not the gross, hopeless kind.

i was bored so i did a test of all my mascaras... realized that Last Blast Luxe in the blackened garnet color is absolutely useless and looks like nothing, so i tossed it. i then did Maybellines The Falsies on one eye and One By One on the other and concluded that The Falsies is still my favorite. kind of disappointing when you buy a new mascara only to find its not as good as the old one. thats why its called NEW AND IMPROVED, people. anybody have any mascara tips for me? i have somewhat sparse lashes and i like really black and very defined, not too goopy... i hate it when i get mascara on my lids, as then i have to redo my eyeshadow!

so, i promise you a bookie-wook post in the next day or two. i hope that isnt too boring for you fashionistas out there, gotta balance my chic with my nerdery. peace out, pray for me that i do not succumb to this black death.

xoxo,
jesitrix in her darkest hour

ps-- i have had 'Love Aint No Stranger' in my head all day, i feel like im going insane. IS THERE ANY CURE??

There's a tear in my beer

i wish my blog was more like Cat Party.

BWOMMMMM[let your feelings slip boy but never your mask]

this is so fucking amazing i had to blog about it right the fuck now. i linked you to Hyperbole and a Half earlier, and you better have fucking read it if you werent already because its the funniest shit in the world. somebody made a video of her story The God of Cake, which is fucking amazing to begin with and i have used many of its pictures to describe my crazy and fat moods, such as:

gay.

rite??

cakeinsanity.

i hate my grandma.* i love cake so much more than her.

[*i am pretty sure allie brosch doesnt hate her grandma. she was just a child who really wanted cake. but if she does hate her grandma, more power to her. sometimes your grandma sucks and you have to hate her, it happens.] [*issues*]

and my favorite emotion, fat.
all images (c) Allie Brosch, i did not draw these and do not have any rights to them. just reposting to show how much she rocks. <3 <3 <3 lub you plz dont hate me.

anyways somebody made a video of these images set to the music of the inception trailer, and it is the most amazing dramatic thing ever and it will rock your fucking socks off. watch it NAOW!!!!:

ok right now i need to order some pizza. and mother of fucking god do i need to clean today. that is something youll never hear from me so fucking savor it while you can. but its like EVERY SINGLE SURFACE IN OUR APARTMENT IS COVERED IN CAT LITTER. how the fuck do the cats do this????? i think its a combination of Oscar von Douche playing in the cat box for hours at a time and Poppy the Mountain Hag Cat not being able to groom herself or do anything so litter gets stuck all over her feet and hairy legs and she doesnt do a thing about it. lately theres been a dusting of cat litter on the back of my couch were Poppy occassionally sits which is gross but i just brush it off. but last night as i was thoroughly cleaning the thing i noticed that in the seams between the cushions there were DRIFTS of litter, tons of it like fucking sand on a beach. OMGGGGG it was gross i almost had a meltdown like i do from gross things sometimes. and its all over the table Poppy uses to get to my couch, and the carpet so i have to wear slippers... so ugh, cleaning today. my vaccuum just vomits and dies whenever you try to use it so lets hope the carpet shark [repurposed from work] can at least get some of the job done.

wow that was a fun rant about cat litter and cleaning. sorry. that was neither sexy not fashiony. well in sexy news ive been having tons of sexy dreams lately about some of my paramours, last night i was in a casino with the foxy D and just couldnt wait to get to the hotel with him, we were making out even as we were getting out of the car and you know when you have dream makeouts that are like super intense, you can feel every little thing and its all movie-like, like you can see the sunlight sparkling off everything and its kind of slo mo and dreamy? maybe im the only person who has dreams like this. anyways there was making out, and walking through the casino where there were crazy backwoods yokels stalking us [this is happening to me in real life, theyre EVERYWHERE in st cloud lately] and planning on killing us once we got to the hotel room. whatever, we got in there and barricaded the door and went at it.

but there was also Z there, who in the dream was D's little brother, and Z was having like hot super naughty gay sex with some dude, and everything was sexy and awesome. Z has the prettiest hair.

wow totally random dream rambling as well. should not be blogging before i fully wake up or eat anything. but those are the kinds of super sexy dreams i have all the time about like every guy i meet. ive had multiple dreams about D now and the anticipation of not being able to meet up with him for weeks is KILLIN me smalls and reflected in my dream libido. libido which was totally in hybernation for a while but is suddenly ragin. OMG i even hit on a random guy in a bar and gave him my number, what the hale ive NEVER done that before [with the exception of the three people i hit on at Jacks 21st birthday bar crawl, but those were party people who i actually talked to for a while so its a little different]!! thats where i met Z. Amy hit on his cousins boyfriend also and we were just PIMPIN that night. that guy showed us his nipples and danced with us and was all out crazy... then he started yelling the n-word outside LOL. my dude wasnt exactly a peach either, he just kept saying how everything fucking sucks. OH MY GOD am i sick of whiny, lonely, depressed dudes lately!!!!! how do you ever expect to get a girl if youre going to bitch all the fucking time?!? ...except for in Z's case because i was bound and determined and i even bought him a shot to try to cheer him/shut him up. and gave him my number. oh well. that was a fun little experiment that i really dont care how it works out. im much more intrigued by whats going to happen with Amyboo and this nipple-showing racist!!

will keep you posted. keep it real, keep it sexy.

SEX BOMB!!!

x. jesika gothowitz

Pink Elepants! Pink Elephants on Your Wang!

hey boos! as promised, my friend Emily started her book review youtube channel, you can find her at Chronicles of Daisyland. heres a sample of how adorable and awesome her videos are!

doesnt that just make you want to go caress your own books and gaze tenderly at your own bookshelf? i might have to start doing my own reviews or at least a bookshelf tour, because i do love my books muchly and i have TONS of them. plus new forum of nerdery!!

i haz blue hair now! this is a crappy photo of it and everything seems to be whited out except my double chin, but huzzah, here it is. better pictures... in the future hopefully. will take pictures tomorrow when i go out with the gurls. tomorrow we're going to Mongos [delicious mongolian bbq which an argueably racist name] and then out for drinks. should be righteous.

here's a little naughty sex tour of stuff we've got going on at Fantasy Gifts right now. this here is the Ogee from Screaming O that we just got in. supposed to be totally the shit, but i was pretty surprised at the $50 pricetag, considering it doesnt have dual motors. supposedly the bullet on the left "sends vibrations" throughout the whole thing, but that usually doesnt get the job done for me. i need a bullet right up on my business for that to work, although i guess if youre more sensitive this might do it. it can function like the WeVibe, which is also U-shaped and worn half inside against the Gspot and half outside against the clitoris during vaginal sex. this one can do the same thing, which is awesome for couples, but it doesnt have the extra vibration on the inside so i dont know if it could actually give you the Gspot orgasm. i do like that this one is super bendable so you can get the uses of several different kinds of toys out of it. we'll see if it sells... it is about half the price of the WeVibe so maybe it'll be a hit with couples. we've got it right up by the counter too, but its a little pricey for an impulse buy.

this thing gives me the roflz to no end. its a vibrating cock ring with a little elephant on it. complete with little feet and trunk. im all for vibrating cock rings-- never used one myself but i think theyre awesome and lots of couples like them-- but if i had a dick id draw the line at a little pink elephant taking residence on my wang.  id think looking down on that would be a major bonerkiller. plus me and my ex had this major thing for elephants, and i so with we were still in touch so i could show him this and give him the lols.

this is our evolved tower which is extra pretty and i like to hang out around it and bask in its candy colors and sleek packages. theyre little tin and clear plastic boxes with little metal fasteners, super super cute i almost want to shell out the dough for a mediocre-powered toy just to get the totally kickass box. and omg dont you wish you had those little black stands for your own vibrators?!

closeup on the awesome boxes... that pink sucker on the right just might be mine come tax return time.... i usually try to spring for one expensive toy a year. last year i got the Sqweel, this year i think its finally time to get a fancy rabbit-style vibe. this one has little plastic discs inside that move in wave patterns, that should feel pretty freaking awesome in your vagazzle.

we got these sexily-packaged mondo dildos in based off of the real weiners of gay porn stars. its Mark Lucas' After Hours line. as yooj gay porn stars are WAY more attractive than straight porn stars, who are all steroid looking and ginormous and always keep their white socks and KSwisses on. there are virtually no straight male porn stars i find attractive.... pretty much just keni styles, sometimes james deen and sometimes jean val jean. pictured here is the fucking delicious Ben Andrews , who i would like a replica of to keep in my closet. OH MY GOD DELICIOUS LITTLE BOD. and i have a total weakness for cute gay little briefs like that. if only my man wasnt commando only... i should totally weasel him into wearing a pair of those bad boys. id have those suckers spit covered in no time.

hello my baby, hello my darlin!! mama likes... mama needs one to keep in her closet post-haste! seriously, perfect tiny bod and a GINORMOUS WANG. i suppose i ought to explain... i am not actually obsessed with giant weiners. i mean, theyre fine and all... but in recent times my best boo Amy B and i began the sharing of weiner pics [which we drunkenly coerce from our male suitors via sext] and constant weiner talk. we're just doing the guy locker room talk thing, only lady style. plus... say the word "weiner" for me. say it out loud. doesnt it feel good. weiner. peen. wang. wanger. dong. weenus. peener. ahhh it just feels so good.

anya: "now im burdened with a husband and several tiny pink children and more cash than i can manage..."

xander: "sweetie, that means youre winning."

anya: "really? im so pleased! can i trade in the children for more cash?"

ohh. if only.

kudos to the totally flaming, hand-on-hip sassy Wilfried Knight! get your sass-hand on sister.

ok... he reminds me a little bit of my bf. masculinely hairy balanced with a touch of fabulosity.

and the man himself, Michael Lucas. givin me lolz with his best zoolander duck face and ridiculously proportioned body. ahhhhhhhhh nothing in this picture seems to make sense, the more i stare at it the more i feel like im going insane! is it just me or is his head too big for his body? doesnt everything look ridonk? is it just terribly photoshopped? someone give me the dealyo.

yet another example of the unfair advantage gay porn has. ok, this guy is a little blah in the face, looking a big like a derpa ryan gosling, but hello, tattoo and pink shorts! this is really just male solos so technically its not really gay porn, and its font & design looks just like the Playgirl features we have, so maybe its directed toward women too? idk. all i know is that we need to see more of this kind of thing in hetero porn. share the love, boys.

not that i dont enjoy just watching gay porn. it has the tasty honeys and ive always loved boy/boy action, but it has its drawbacks too. ive never seen gay porn with good oral unless its hardcore/s&m dungeon stuff [embarrassingly i have a huge boner for a certain Cum Fucking Skinheads volume]... seriously, do gay porn dudes just not care as much as female porn stars about making their oral look good? nobody goes deep or does anything that looks interesting. i feel like people in gay porn dont try as hard. and once they get down to it... i just cant watch like 20 minutes of straight [lol no pun intended... i mean continuous] buttfucking. in and out. blah blah blah. idk... the world seems nuts about anal sex, but i think it looks boring. its gotta have interesting positions, and the close up sucks. peen in ass looks like basically nothing. pussy definately has its benefits.

oh the reason i posted this particular title is that Mr Tight Latin Manholes totally looks like my yummy friend Dave from california... miss you, you naughty little thing!

Tengas are the cutest male sex toys ever!!! the really make me wish i have a dick so i could stick it in one! oh the japanese... they think of everything. ive finger-fucked many of these and they feel super good... both true-to-pussy lifelike and dareisay a bit better with different textures and suction-ness. not that its better than having a real girl, but its a pretty pleasant treat for your ween if you dont have one on hand.

or you could go the other route and get the amputated lady below... shes like a girlfriend only without the pesky head and limbs!

pretty sexy covers...

Phyllis got some sexy new threads! i totally want this outfit... it comes with the blindfold too! its very slinky and soft.

and here we have the Bane of Big Girls Everywhere. the worlds cutest lingerie, available only in small, medium and large. Emily and I have mused over it many times and despite some brief wishful self-delusions have decided that we cannot, no matter how hard we try, squeeze into the large and have it look anything but retarded. i mean i probably COULD physcially get it around me, but it would sort of be like a ruffly belt with two triangular pasties covering my nipples. and it would not be pretty.

but UGHHHH it has butt ruffles! and a butt bow!!!! and those little dots? YEAH THEYRE HEARTS. ARE YOU DYING INSIDE? IM DYING INSIDE. #drama#

and again with the stabs in the heart, this time from the panties that only come in midget sizes. the large? yeah, its the only one that would fit on our panty mannequin... the one who's only the front half of a lady and has no ass. yes, if you are exactly one-half of a person, you can wear a size large!

but do not despair, my buxom beauties. we got new plus size Dreamgirls lingerie today!! actually we got the same styles in one size fits most too-- its a rare awesome occasion when we get the same cute styles in both sizes, being that the plus size DG section is like 1/4 the size of the regular. this is the sweet schoolgirl... its pink plaid, my weekness!!! needz it.

sexy maid! of all the typical fantasy outfits, maid is like the only one i dont have because a) i think servitude fantasies are a little creepy, and maids dont turn me on and b) we never have any cute ones. but this one's pretty adorable. [well we have a full on little maids dress, but its expensive... im planning on buying it for going as Columbia to Rocky Horror, maybe for march's show...  the Uptown Theater in Minneapolis hosts it the last saturday of every month, preformed by the lovely Transvestite Soup crew, check it out! really fucking good times.
]

and theres another sexy cop outfit [sorry for blurry photo, camera hates DG packages]! totally my weakness!  i have a sexy cop halloween costume that i ADORE and have worn to concerts and stuff cuz it has this hawt vinyl corset waist and little vinyl epaulets that connect to a collar... it actually might be featured on some KMFDM live videos because i was in the front row being filmed shakin my ass and dreads! but this... is like a bedroom version of my dress. still with the sexy waist! and a badge and a hat! i can wear it with my hooker boots! ughhh.... but its black though and i wanted to buy less black lingerie and more fun colors... uggggghhh what should i buy, and dont say all three! helpz.

just wanted to leave you with these gems... totally hideous and Should Be on the Nanny, amirite? but... arent they kind of alluring? like, i wanna be a big trashy black lady and dance in these like i dont fucking care? [they have two ankle staps, that helps] seriously, i tried these on considering buying them. but they are UNGODLY FUCKING UNCOMFORTABLE. i really wish. i wouldve bought them and indulged my fran dresch dreams, for real.

so i went on my weekly trip to yon walsmart and bought my usual crapton of things. they finally have the Physicians Formula Happy Booster makeup!! its a light reflecting bronzer thingy thats supposed to have... plant ingredients and... stuff... that makes you happy. somehow. with science. and it smells like violets!! and its pink and shiny and has a little pink heart of blush... oh cmon. the science may be questionable but its awesome anyways. i put it on and it surrounded me with good violety smells [i think i had a scented blush like this when i was little, you know that toy kiddie makeup you used to get... omg i had this awesome strawberry shortcake makeup...], i never checked it out to see if it makes me glowy and light-diffusey, hopefully it doesnt make me look like an oompa loompa or my favorite, The Glazed Donut:

what color is that??? tangerine? keep in mind this is an actual person that jackie knows, somebodys xgirlfriend, who PAINTS herself this color every day. my ex's exact reaction "omg its a glazed donut wtf." exactamundo.

maybe i am turning into one of those lame sweatpants wearing snooki wannabes because i bought some hemp Malibu lotion, favorite of skin cancer booth junkies. i got it cuz its a big honkin bottle and i wanted to smell summery. dont judge me. maybe i just wanted a drink. mmmmojito.

and at last we come to the end of our nights journey... the movie haul. really wish i had a little fishermans net to put these into... because im a retard like that. all the movies are $5, totally my new addiction. we have Fern Gully, which my FB homeskillets convinced me i could not live without after i passed it over last week. apparently everyone loves this little slice of our past... remember when rainforests were like a super big deal back in like 1994? i rember being in 3rd or 4th grade and doing a whole unit on them, and tranforming our room into a fake rainforest... and there was this rap about it... remember playing Amazon Trail??? that was the shit! takin pictures... spearfishing and hitting that fucking log!! those were the days.

me to jackie just now: "you are so lucky you cant sneeze into your own boobs. it sucks."

as you can see, i also got The Orphanage, awesome guillermo del toro flick, Zack and Miri Make a Porno, which of course i love because it has porn stars, dildos and star wars, both Jeepers Creepers movies which i havent seen and i hope dont suck, but for $2.50 each it doesnt matter too much. im on a super horror movie kick lately. i wasnt too impressed with Trick r Treat which i bought last week. id heard good things about it, and it was mildly entertaining but not scary at all. and i also got season 2.0 of Battlestar Galactica... ive only seen season 1 and that was a few years ago, but i think its time to get back into the geekiness.

thats all for tonight, i hope ive thouroughly exhausted you with bloggy goodness. jackie and i are having a little buffy season 5 marathon and ive got to get back to the Riley-hating. right now im praying his heart will explode. cross your fingers with me.

xoxox,

Jesika Gothowitz