So ive been a very, very naughty girl... i had a legit reason to not blog all summer, as i was staying at my parents house and didnt have my computer, but i swore i would start again when i got my own place in sartell in september. and here we are. november. bad, bad girl. and not in a fun way.
Things have happened, and things havent. I cant really describe. heres a shitton of pictures.
i had dreads for a while in the summer. they were really awesome, beautiful handmade dreads off ebay. super heavy though. im putting them back in this winter as a permanent hat.
i was in the crazy hospital for a while. they gave me this mysterious bob barker soap. like i needed that extra push over the edge into insanity.
bitchin snakeskin heels. ive never actually worn these anywhere, but i keep them next to my computer for those awesome moments when you like, hear good news from a boy and need to do an awww yeah, crank up some sexy music, light a cigarette, swig some wine and prance around knowing how awesome you are. i actually do this. occasionally. i need to wear them on a date like, soon. either these or my lipstick red pointy heels are going on my next date with me *taps nails impatiently waiting for boy to call*
i went to rocky horror with my peeps jackie, amy and misty. we are beautiful and sexy and dont hang out enough.
it was geek appriciation rocky horror, as it was right after CONvergence in minneapolis. i was expecting costumes, however i was NOT expecting there to be FREAKING DALEKS and a rather hot doctor at the end of the show. there was much plunger gesticulating, it was amazing. i was shrieking. my friends did not understand.
i got some new tattoos this summer. this is the first of hopefully many junko mizuno tats, and my first semi-explicit tattoo. she needs more color, STILL, because this blog is not the only thing that i procrastinate on.
i got a darth vader tattoo too!! i decided to just say fuck it and get going on the really geeky tattoos. whatve i got to lose. this is just a stencil, i oddly dont have any pics on my computer of the finished dark lord. the shading on it is totally insane. my tattoo artist Peter McLeod is a genius.
this is the best thing about my new apartment. the totally insane walk in closet. seriously a large part of why i signed the lease. this is like, less than a quarter of the floor space. i can get all of my seasonal shoes out at once, which is impressive. these are half the summer shoes.
a kind of blurry photograph trying to capture the whole closet. its a really weird shape so its hard to photograph.you can see my tall hooker boots on the top <3
this is an absolutely fucking disgusting thing that i found in my chipotle barbacoa burrito. fork for scale. this is tough, rubbery, impossible to bite through. im thinking its either skin or intestines. it was seriously the grossest thing ive ever put in my mouth. MOST FOUL. it still freaks me the fuck out. im almost positive it has some kind of sentience... i wouldnt even leave it in the garbage overnight, i took that sucker straight outside.
dora doesnt sleep. dora waits.
i was conversing on facebook when a heavenly portal opened up in my browser, and lo, paget brewsters boobs appeared.
this is pretty much what ive been doing the past few months. being lazy and angsty, reading clive barker, sighing.
more of the sexy shoes, plus tattoos and a gang sign.
my friend joshifer and i had a thing where we get together every week or two, get drunk and watch anime and youtube videos. its perfectly awesome/lame. this lead to literally hours and hours of watching AMV hell on youtube. im not even going to glorify that with an explanation of what AMV hell is. finding it as funny as i do might mean that im retarded. especially given that i watched like three hours of it alone, with wine, as pictured.
theres a lot of this. its dead silent, and the penguin just slowly and dramatically tips the bucket over. words cant describe. obviously, because that sounds fucking retarded.
things have been weird lately. in the end i guess you just hope the highs eventually outweigh the lows. im in the shit now though, i cant really go back, and im doing the thing i ultimately really love to do despite the madness. you should really be reading my twitter. you will never consider me sane again.
the aforementioned friend josh just left for california today, unfortunately for good :'( im super sads about it. hes one of my best friends, possibly the friend i actually hang out with the most. as a parting gift, i received his highly enviable collection of mcdonalds sauces. it is a thing of beauty.
he had them in a drawer in his apartment. i could only continue the tradition. this is the best use of a kitchen drawer ever.
will miss you bro. and your glass that can hold two full size sparks. however, it does not make them taste any better.
more stuffs to come. i have a few specific events that need their own posts. i promise ill come back sooner than six months. love you!!
Dude so i was digging through my facebook pictures [as i am very vain and like to go back and look at pictures of myself] and i found this gem. Ang took it of me back in march when we went to see Hairball at Gerard's in sauk centre, and i was like "damn, that was fun... i should write about that. wait... didn't i already do that?" i very distinctly remember stealing a bunch of pics from Jenn's facebook and making captions on the various hottness of the band member's costumes. did i dream this? cuz i juuuust went through the last few months of the blog and i didnt see it. and lo and behold! here was a nearly completed blog entry about Hairball that i never posted!
So above we have a photo of me trying to be cool and failing miserably. what i am actually doing is air guitaring and making my winking sneer face which is supposed to look "badass." maybe it does while im in action... but my feeling is that it does not or my friends would not have been taking pictures of me and laughing. oh well. i had beers.
[pic from Hairballs FB page... totally awesome huh?]
To explain, Hairball is a cover band that covers all the awesome 80s hair bands: Poison, Def Leppard, Guns & Roses [is it Guns n Roses? i dont fucking know], Aerosmith, then other bands of the era like Alice Cooper, Queen and FUCKING PRINCE. im not a huge cover band fan but the very best part is the lead singer dresses up like each band their covering, and the live show is just fucking fantastic. lots of theater, lots of awesome imitations of the mannerisms of the singers. y'all know you can lure me in with costume changes.
Somewhat retarded fact: for the entire show i was mystified how they did the costume changes so fucking fast... i mean there is barely any gap at all between songs, and to transform into prince theres a whole crazy frilly suit to put on and fucking brown makeup!! [blackface is totally acceptable in this context] then after the show Amy informed me there are actually two lead singers. maybe im blind but i couldnt tell the difference. did i ruin the magic for you? im sorry. ps santas not real either.
Our friend Jenn [on the left above, with Ang] is totally obsessed with Hairball. shes seen them a bunch of times, and all the awesome pics of the band in this post are by her [and thus not actually from the show we went to] [thanks Jenn!]. she even has a Hairball scrapbook which she got all the guys to sign at this show! this was the first time i could make it to a show and i was super psyched. an 80s show! fucking rock show! nothing i love more than getting dressed up for a fucking rock show... so i got all out insane with my flashy ass sparkly zebra w/lace shoulders top, jean skirt, purple tights and knee high faux converese with crazy graffiti print. this outfit would cause several problems for me down the road, but we'll get there.
so the show was in scenic Sauk Centre, about an hours drive up 94 from St Cloud. mini road trip with my girls!! Jenn and Amy piled in my car and we headed up, passing by several disturbing "We Do Cows!" billboards [next to a church! apparently along with little boys, its ALSO ok to do cows]. north country... is scary. we did lol though.
They were preforming at Gerards, which is a like a restaurant/sports bar with an event center attached. where you can get a "Family Bucket" of beer... :{ we ate dinner there beforehand... if you ever eat there, dont waste your time on the appetizer sampler despite the lure of cheese curds-- most of those fuckers were empty!!! or teeny tiny cheese nubs. FAILCURDS! but do be sure and get dessert! right now i cant remember what the fuck i had, but it was unbelieveably delicious. was it lemony? or cheesecake? i cant remember. amy had one of those melty chocolate cakes and that was awesome too. it was one of those "lets order four more of these!" desserts. very "why the fuck did we eat regular dinner??"
OMG so i lost my photo of this but it was totally amazing.... we popped out to the car to put away our leftovers when i noticed the sign on the door of Amigos, the adjoining restaurant: GOTTA PULL IT HARD. so Ang and i went to pose in front of it, with handjobby gestures [which i dont think translated onto film as well as we thought], when this guy popped out of the restaurant and was like "Oh i'm sorry, is the sign offending you?" and he took it down!!! lol why would we be offended by that? and by the looks of us, would we be offended by anything vaguely handjob related? anyways what a crime that he took it down, it was hilarious.
As we finished dinner and moved into the event center to wait for the show, i started getting kind of confused/nervous about the nature of the crowd. lots of baseball caps. lots of 40ish people, soccer moms, hick couples, extremely terrible clothes. we seemed to be the only ones who had come ready to rock. Amy and i headed to the bar, got some sex on the beaches and the mysterious Woo Tang shots [what in them? we dont care, theyre called fucking Woo Tangs], and when we get back to the table i set my drinks down and then i notice that Amy has circled back to the table full of old people & hicks behind us and is bent over talking to them. she comes back and i have to bug her for a minute to get her to tell me what she was doing-- it turns out they were pointing and laughing at me as i was walking by. A-Holes!!! so my boo goes over there and tells them if they have something to say they can come over and say it to our fucking faces. I LOVE MY BESTIE!!! i felt fucking invincible, nothing makes you feel better than having someone stick up for you with a vague threat of violence!
After that i was like "fuck all y'all! we're having a good time tonight! we're here to rock!" i mean who the fuck goes to a rock show and then points and laughs at a girl with a blue mohawk??? sorry i forgot to wear my miller light baseball cap and my mom jeans! or, as the guy in the above pic is sportin, my austin powers tee shirt. that thing was fucking HYPNOTIZING, i could not stop staring at it all night.
Dude those soccer moms got fucking WILD though. look at this table! its the same table that austin powers and his momjeans friend are sitting at above! some soccer mom bitch who looked like she taught sunday school-- cardigan over her shoulders and everything-- was standing on one of the chairs rocking out and wouldnt get down when the security guard told her to, instead she was giving him little come hither gestures and shit! we saw all sorts of crazy things... the same chick was doing some swing dance shit with her man, and he did that thing where they stand back-to-back and link arms and he flipped her up over his head... and then dropped the bitch! we LOLd so hard!!!
Oh shit, and there was this amazing old hippie guy who did his little wavy-arm hippie dance the entire time, he was SO AWESOME and i wanted to ask him for drugs.
Heres some highlights of the bands they cover...
Axl Rose. aww i miss young hot Axl. he was so twinky and pretty. i really want a classic G&R shirt. i discovered the joys of belting 'sweet child o mine' [a song i dont usually particularly like] at the top of my lungs along with a crowd. everything becomes better when youve had a few drinks, are all amped up on rock and surrounded by a crowd in the same state.
while the singer was offstage between songs, Happy was talking up the next band they were going to cover, saying ladies go so nuts over the lead singer whenever they play their songs, its "gonna turn this place into a WET PUSSY FACTORY!!" i gave the biggest rock on and cheered my azz off. pussy factory ftw! and out comes... bret michaels. lol. i totally haaaaaaaaaaaaate bret michaels, or as i like to call him by his porn parody name, the Crock of Love. but Poison covers do inevitably rule. they did 'talk dirty to me' and 'nothin but a good time' which are of course awesome... but im a huge fan of 'unskinny bop' which me and my friend Misty used to yell at each other all the time... "BOP BOP BOP BOP!" ohhh and 'i want action,' that song RULES!!! maybe they'll do it next time.
a little more bret for ya... you gotta admit its a good impression.
def leppard... this outfit was fucking hot. if any guy wore this shirt and scarf combo i would totally bone them.
like i said there was an awesome Prince impression. the Alice Cooper was sick as well because he has a fucking GIANT LIVE SNAKE that he comes out with and holds while he sings. oh yes and the show ended with Twisted Sister, an entirely pink outfit complete with hot pink mic stand that made me wet my panties.
i totally have a boner for Happy, the guitarist. he rocks!!! he did a lot of awesome shredding and an epic Star Spangled Banner. mmm the guitary hotness.... i know he looks sweaty and gross but i dont care, thats the rocker way. oh and you can see they're doing Aerosmith right now.
their drummer was yummy also... hard to get pics of a drummer of course but he had lovely long hair, which is totally my thing right now.
The show ended at long last and dammit if they werent right, that floor was wet and nasty as hell!! i think it was mostly spilled beer but there had to at least have been some pussy juice in there. we took some pictures... which we shouldve done BEFORE the show when we werent all sweaty and mussed but oh well.
well, Ang always looks fucking perfect i guess. Josh's face was phasing into another dimension, a possible side effect of his charlie sheen shirt.
Josh took a group pic of the ex-Lane Bryant ladies [you can see Amy and i were all pink-- it was hot up in that bitch!! big gals be roastin], and just as he was about to take it Ang started to get all girlfriend on his ass about something... i cant remember what, but check that fucking RIGHTEOUS girlfriend scowl! somebody was doing SOMETHIN wrong. *whipcrack*
haha apparently the issue was resolved.
So we had to make a final peepee stop before we left Gerards, and it was all fucking WHACK in the ladies room!! super crowded and throughout the course of the concert had become dirty as hell [no hate on Gerards' facilities... i went in beforehand and it was nice, those hick bitches are just nasty]. there was a used tampon applicator on the floor in my stall! so i go to pee and im goin at it and notice fucking STEAM is coming up between my thighs!! im like GUYS MY PEE IS STEAMING HALP!!!! thats how hawt i am. i was alarmed but found out through later confrence that the other gals experienced the same thing, it was just so frigging hot in the concert and then freezing cold in the bathroom there was some atomospheric shit happening. this happened to me again at a bar so i guess its not that weird. either that or my body is extremely weird.
Hmm i feel like shit happened in the parking lot... oh yeah! it had frosted up while we were in there so i was scraping my car and so was the car next to me, and there was a very drunk guy there who was asking all of us how hot we thought he was on a scale of 1-10. Amy totally lied and i think told him he was like a 6. i partially lied and told him i was a lesbian and thus had no opinion. its not entirely false! then i guess after we left Ang and Josh saw some boobies in a limo... dammit!!! i always miss the good stuff.
So in summary Hairball definately fucking rocks... the concert was awesome, i could sing and stomp to Queen and ACDC all night long. go see them if you get the chance!! i missed their april show due to my crazies but ill definately be reporting on more shows this summer. LOL according to their calander they're playing at the "Worlds Largest Office Party" in Eau Claire, WI. that sounds so intriguingly lame... if it wasnt a long ass drive id totally go! i wonder if theres a huge potluck where everybody makes their favorite dip? i think everyone should go dressed as their favorite Office character. i have a total Phyllis sweater!
I digress. keep on rockin.
[via hairball's fb]
all Hairball live photos (c) Jenn L. Gerards
1225 Timberlane Drive
Sauk Centre, MN 56378
(320) 351-3463
so as always we'll start the post by appologuising for not blogging ever. i mean it this time though... its been like a month and a half!! some legit shit's gone down though... i was majorly depressed an basically had a mental breakdown, tried to overdose, lost my job, lost my boyfriend. a whole world of suckage. i kind of hit rock bottom and as my mom said, i was "kind of acting like charlie sheen."
its what all the cool kids are doing nowadays!
for the several months of depression i pretty much did nothing but slept 14+ hours a day, more if possible facilitated by taking all manner of sleep aids: amitriptaline which jackies old roommate had left her [i used to take it for sleep problems, its actually an antidepressant but its prescribed for sleep now], drug store sleep pills, nyquil. id sleep, wake up, and take something else. i just didnt want to be awake. i was still dragging my ass out of bed to go to work at Fantasy Gifts but it was a huge struggle every day leading to tears sometimes because i just didnt want to go. while i was there i hated every second of it, especially those when there were customers in the store. i was pretty okay if the store was empty and i was just reading... but any customers sent me into a wiggins. i started shirking ALL the rules and used my phone and read while customers were in the store to make it more tolerable and make msyelf feel less anxious and awkward. i played endless rounds of solitaire on my phone just to have something else to look at other than customers. people probably robbed us blind, but i really didnt care. i was late for work all the time and making constant mistakes, and i was sure i was going to get fired.
i was still dating Luke at this time too but seeing him very rarely, like every other week, due to our work schedules plus when his partner would let him see me. half the time i would cancel our dates especially if they had to do with going out and doing anything or any special things we had planned because of nerves, i just wanted to stay in bed. at the same time i was courting a few other guys, and i would text-flirt them, send them naughty pics, then make plans to meet up and cancell them at the last minute. i think i was just kidding myself to think that i could even leave the house. i would always think, this time would be different, ill really go... and i wouldnt. id do this with everything, going out with friends, my therapy appointments. i couldnt leave the house, i couldnt even leave my bed i was in such a deep depression. i couldnt even put clothes on or take a shower, all i wanted was the darkness and my pillow.
i made a conscious choice to quit going to my therapy and med check appointments. i decided to just give up and go off the deep end, i just didnt give a shit anymore about anything. the only thing remaining was my job, and one day i just gave up on that too. i decided i wasnt going to go, and to avoid it, i took a handful of sleeping pills and antidepressants. yes, i went out and got a pizza beforehand just in case i died, i wanted to treat myself to a good meal [a $5 little caesars pizza... i didnt have the money for lobster]. i ate the pizza, turned off my phone, and told my roommate to check on my in 12 hours to see if i was dead or alive. i cant say if this constitutes an attempt to kill yourself or not, but i definately didnt care if i died or not.
i know rite, how cliche. like one of my high school idols, marla singer: "this isnt a for real suicide thing. this is just one of those cry for help things."
obviously, i woke up. feeling like shit and kind of disappointed that nothing happened, there was no ambulance, no fanfare, and nobody except my roommate knew about it. the problem when you dont actually wind up in the hospital is then you have to actually TELL people that you tried to kill yourself, and thats just kind of awkward. so i had the pleasant task of telling my boss and then my mom about it. im a pussy so i wrote my mom a long, completely insane letter that i hope is saved forever and put in a museum someday. if i had it id scan it right now and post it, the writings all over the page and you can visually see how batshit it am. my mom did her mommy thing and faxed it to my therapist, my psychiatrist and my social worker....
so heres a little lesson for all your aspiring suicidal psychotics out there: if youre planning on writing your loved ones a note about how you want to kill yourself, and they fax that note to a mental health professional, guess what happens? they call the police. so its... five days after my pill-popping event and my roomie wake me up at 8am, scared shitless because the cops are at the door looking at for me. Jackiedarling is currently awaiting trial for a DUI so this scared the TAR out of her, thinkin, "theyre coming to get me!" and *im* thinking, "what the fuck did i do last night???" because the night before me and Amyboo had gone out and gotten shitfaced because well, why the fuck not? when youve gone off the deep end and your main option is going to the mental hospital, you better drink the fuck up while you can. so we did get shitfaced and i was PRETTY sure we didnt do anything illegal but i know Amy did yell "NIGGA PLEASE!!" really loud in the white horse and is that a hate crime...? or maybe did we run somebody over? witness the shenanaigans:
amy compells me to tell you she does NOT have the herpaderp, she had just gotten a new peircing that day. we are drunk as balls in the White Horse bathroom taking pictures. its about 1am and we were wearing sunglasses in a bar thats dark as an armit. THATS HOW WE ROLL. we'd just bought new sunnies that day... keep in mind that i cannot see SHIT out of mine because they're not prescription.
"wait, stand in front of me so i dont look fat!" thanks a lot boo.
my natural badassery. lookin and feelin invicible... definately winning.
anyways... back to the next mornging, and never in my life have i had a cop at my door so i was scared as fuck. but it was a quick "do you want to kill yourself now? no? well be good." conversation. just a warning though... thats what happens when you tell people you want to kick the bucket. its a pretty ineffectual system unless youre actually passed out in your room about to go into the light and they have to kick the door down.
so then i had some fun conversations with my doctors. around the time i wrote the note i had a major upswing where i was still feeling crazy as hell and like i didnt give a fuck about life but there was a lot of rambling and yelling. i was essentially "sheen-ing out." there was a point where i was ranting to my therapist and i realized i wasnt even listening to what i was saying, i couldnt even understand my own words, and i looked at him and said "did anything i just said make sense?" and he was like "nope."
LONG STORY SHORT, this incident caused my doctors to realize that i am not majorly depressive with borderline personality disorder, im actually bipolar. the two have very similar symptoms and because ive only really been going to therapy when im having major depressive swings they havent really seen the mania so its difficult to diagnose. the problem is that the antidpressants ive been taking [lately generic Celexa] actually make bipolar symptoms worse, which is why ive gotten incredibly depressed. for the last two weeks ive been on Lithium which is supposed to really help. it also makes me feel AWESOME because its such an uberdrug and is mentioned in a lot of great songs! theres the nirvana song:
and then, more shamefully theres the Evanescence song, which is now stuck in my head all the time.
yeah, so thats my life right now. i dont have a job or a boyfriend anymore, and right now im on a waiting list to get into a partial hospitalization program where'll ill go in every day for like six hours of various kinds of therapy. ive been prepping for this by watching plenty of girl interrupted, although my therapist has informed me that mental hospitalization has been significantly reformed post-reagan so its unlikely ill be hanging around playing acoustic guitar and shaving in front of whoopi goldberg. slightly disappointing. i have this fantasy of looking SO MUCH COOLER than all the other mental patients with my dyed hair and bright fuschia lipstick and everyone will think, well shes crazy but shes so COOL too, ill be like their angelina jolie.
i wouldnt complain if some of this happened.
this is pretty much me.
[bonus late-great brittany murphy! she is SO GOOD in girl interrupted... dont they know its the end of the world?]
so im just hanging out now... kind of in limbo between wanting to act all-out crazy and actively trying to get better. i want to still be crazy when i do get into treatment, you know? gotta impress them all with my mad mania skills. i do admit i was on fire for a while there. see thats the problem with bipolar disorder... the mania part of it just makes me feel totally fucking awesome. im *ON*. i get my perfect outfit and my blue hair and im like, super fucking funny. when i decided to go off the deep end and just let my emotions go i was spouting some hilarious but totally insane shit... por example: so im driving around with jackie i think en route to go clean her old apartment and i see this guy on a bike with the whole lycra shorts and safety helmet, and i just yell at him, "I WANNA TAKE A SHIT ON YOUR HEAD!!!!!" *thats* what happens when i take my filter down. its funny, but it also scares me because it comes out of nowhere and i dont know why seeing a bicyclist makes me want to shit on their head [well i mean, i do really hate people who exercise so self-righteously]. im totally worried that the lithium is going to make me loose my comedy gold, so PLEASE tell me if i stop being funny and i will go back to being a total hot mess.
whats helped me a lot during this time is reading Carrie Fisher's memoir "Wishful Drinking." it deals somewhat with her addictions to alcohol and pills but the underlying cause is her bipolar disorder. the woman is fucking HILARIOUS and i recommend this book to anyone... its got everything: insane hollywood drama from her uberfamous parents [her dad left her mom for the late great liz taylor!], the inside dish on star wars, lots of booze and drugs and craziness escapades and what a dick paul simon is.
[i much prefer this to the gold bikini btw... but thats just me. i like guns and jumpsuits.]
now it turns out all kinds of celebs are coming out bipolar! i got a new People mag that has catherine zeta-jones AND demi lovato talking about how theyve been hospitalized trying to deal with it [lovato also has eating disorder/self injury shit to deal with, poor kid! and she punched her backup dancer LOLOLOL. i hear ya sister, i feel like punching a bitch all the time]. that does help a lot to hear other people have it, and that others have needed to be hospitalized to deal with it.
im actually kind of looking forward to the hospitalization process... actually this whole period of being really open with my friends and family about whats been going on internally with me for a long time has been really freeing and nice, i actually... kind of feel like myself for the first time. i hope that ill be able to be a better person when this is through... i feel really terrible about some of the things ive done while ive been sick... especially all the people ive jerked around when i was setting up dates and gettogethers and never going to any of them. i know there are a few people that i burned bridges with that i wont get the opportunity to get to know now and that sucks. for the moment im not really dating and thats kind of good for me i think. but LAWD ive been CELIBATE for like two months, since before Luke and i broke up. i cant say this celibacy is going to last forever... cuz you know how my libido do... but i dont want to keep making promises i cant keep. and if i cant find it in me to make a relationship work with someone i like as much as him then i probably shouldnt be dating at all. eh i dont know... the dating thing is really complicated. with how much my moods and crazy ideas jerk me around i feel like i cant really trust anything i feel, except my deepest emotions like i know i love my friends and some other romantic stuff id rather not talk about.
well, i think this has gone on enough. thats sort of a general picture of whats been going on with me and why i havent been blogging a lot lately. thanks to anybody who read through this encyclopedia de crazie... i promise to be back with more fun things like shoe pics and tales of visiting prison!
xoxoxo
Jesika Gothowitz
[and oh my do i have a story for your about the Gothowitz... but i gotta leave you waiting for more. let your imaginations run wild.]
