Tuesday, December 28, 2010

O Christmas Boil!

hello my chiclets!! i hope you all had an excellent christmahannukwanzikah, or festivus for the rest of us. or animal sacrifice to the dark lord, or drunken atheistic rambling. i had a little bit of each.

did you get all the presents you wanted from sandy claws? im still waiting for my pony. i did get some super awesome gift cards for target and **ULTA**, my mecca in the sky.

cant wait to go spend it, i think im getting this bare minerals holiday kit if they have them on sale now. i also got the cutest target gift card:

and i got this FUCKING DELICIOUS smelling candle that i picked out myself at Bed Bath and Beyond... its christmas cookie scented and smells like fucking buttercream frosting.

theres your christmas cleavage. it takes all the strength i have not to shove it down my gullet or spread it on toast.

+ minty holiday nails!!

 speaking of presents, i was a totally naughty kitty and spent 90% of my xmas shopping expeditions buying shit for myself. NAUGHTY!! but xmas in my family can be a little shithouse, so i feel like i deserve to buy myself some happy. as we discussed previously, im currently on a scent expedition to make myself smell as delectable as possible. im going for the perfect yumminess that will make girls burst into flame from jealousy and boys jizz in their pants. also i just like buying things.

so ive been kind of obsessed with kohls lately, mainly for the fact that they are open til midnight during the xmas season, and since i am an insomniac vampire its perfect for me. omg i found these most excellent vera wang strappy wedge booties that i ALMOST bought for j**s xmas party [but i was worried my fractured foot might bitchslap me]. i might still buy them. at over fifty dollars they would be the most expensive pair of shoes ive ever bought for myself.

its hard to tell from the pic, but theyre open between all the straps. so its sort of a bootie-sandal hybrid that i could wear in winter with tights and without in summer. ooh, or with socks, theyd look so chic. i might still have to buy them...

so whilst at kohls i became super into their ubercheap [$12.99?~?!?!11], supercute slipper booties. normally seeing ugg-type boots or lazy ass slippers causes me to fly into a eye-scratching, hair-pulling bloodthirsty rage [everyone knows of the time i had to be restrained from attacking that girl in green sweatpants and tan uggs at cold stone creamery], but these are FREAKING CUTE. ribbon lacing, attached wooly legwarmers, and my of course my favorite, studded straps. i had to freaking get them! i think theyre stylish enough to wear as shoes. they look freaking cute with skirts and tights. i still dislike the ugly rounded toe on this style of boot, but they are so comfortable its forgiveable. i might go back and get some more booties.

oh, my slipper-bootie issue started with these bad boys from walmart:

theyre pretty much just socks with a suede bottom. but HOLY HANNAH are they cute and comfy! i cant wait til the snow goes away so i can wear them outside. you best believe ill be wearing these in summer!

so i got sucked into the fragrance area and went a little nuts.

i ended up buying a *shudder* avril lavigne fragrance, Forbidden Rose. she does a clothing line & fragrances exclusively for kohls. i kind of got over avril after the year i got my drivers license, but her bottles are pretty and shit smells good. i was torn between Black Star, which has a cuter bottle, and Forbidden Rose which surprisingly smelled better. i expected it to smell floral-y, and i normally hate flower scents ESPECIALLY rose. maybe i have an aversion because of my allergies and a lifetime of sneezing in gardens, at peoples flower arrangements, and even in the fake flower aisle of craft stores? or roses just smell yucky. doesnt matter. anyways, forbidden rose smells sort of fruity-musky to me, which is perfect. according to Fragrantica, what im smelling is red apple and sandalwood. there is a bit of lotus and heliotrope in the heart that i think i dont like initially, but i like it better once its warmed on my skin.

im thinking about buying Black Star too, mainly because the bottle is so frikking cute. omg, i think i might be becoming a fragrance junkie.

yes im totally embarrassed by this advertisement.

i also picked up a small size bottle of kohls brand Flirt!'s Flirtatious scent [$9.99 for the small bottle]. sexy lip bottle, right! so 80s, it reminds me of earth girls are easy. its a delicious sort of fruity, vanilla-y scent. not overly cloying or sweet with the vanilla, more warm. apparently it has honeysuckle in it, which is a flower scent i can tolerate. its a delicious scent, the kind you want to wear every day. seriously, i just sprayed it on my arm and i cant stop smelling it. if you like juicy, fruity scents you should definately pick up a bottle.

at the very last minute i saw a 5 pack of sparkley body sprays which includes a MARSHMALLOW TREAT scent, so OF COURSE i had to buy it, y'all know why. also it was half off so i got it for like six bucks. i figured i would divide them up among my friends and keep some for myself.

unfortunately most of them smell pretty weird to me. marshmallow treat smells kind of like mens cologne. the candy scent was pretty tasty, as well as this pink sugar frosting i kept for myself. i guess these kind of drug store fragrances are kind of hit-or-miss when it comes to actually smelling like theyre supposed to. these arent bad, just most smell kind of generally sweet. i hope everyone who got one as a gift likes them! at least theyre sparkley!

as i said, christmastime can be kinda yucksauce in my family... grandma decided she couldnt make the drive up because she had a boil in her ear. yes, a fucking boil. THE CHRISTMAS BOIL. at this point i decided i needed to get drunk as soon as christmas was over [not before, so i didnt embarrass myself in front of my aunts 86 year old mother, who is terrified of my aunt cindy's elephant painting]. so i got together with my best boos on sunday and proceed to get shitfaced at our favorite bar, the White Horse. i drank a multitude of sex on the beaches and southern hospitalities, had ice and pennies thrown into my boobs, groped my friend angie, and watched my friend Josh G. get happily molested by our sexy-geeky waiter.

das me on the left, bundled up in my coat. Josh took this photo while standing atop a giant snow heap. Jenn L. is at the top and my best homegirl Amy B. is the one in the hood looking like shes about to mug someone.

then we proceeded on to perkins, of course, where we thought we would be the annoying drunk table... OH HOW WE WERE WRONG. in stumbled possibly the most whorish creature ive ever seen in perkins, where i see a multitude of drunken sleazebag state school hos on a weekly basis [its true what they say in Superbad, "where the girls are twice as dumb and thus twice as likely to fellashe me"]. holy mother of god. you have never seen a ho like this. i dont even know if ludacris has. leopard print miniskirt. one boot up, one boot down. oddly half crimped hair. she stumbled in and tried to sit on a strange girl's lap in the lobby.

the girls were trying to help a wasted sister out by pleading with her not to bend over, which she ignored, and i took pictures. sorry they're blurry, shes distorting reality with her waves of sluttyness.

she tortured our poor homosexual waiter by bending over the counter and insisting he take her order from there. she and her fellow harpy drowned out everyone else in the place with disturbingly jersey-shore-esque hooting. i wish i can remember what they said, all i can recall now is "OMG, HOW ABOUT IF I ORDER FOR MYSELF AND YOU ORDER FOR YOU???" there were so many more gems, i wish i could remember them. at the end of the night, in a moment of pity for the waiter, i went over and asked them to be quiet. it was a very special experience, in which the whore tried unsuccessfully to focus on my face, told me her name was april and made me promise that we would be friends.

woot woot those are Ang T.'s totally bodacious bosoms creeping in on the frame. im not gonna lie, i grabbed them a few times that night. SHE STARTED IT.

overall a most excellent night. one of my high school buddies, the darlingest David H., was in town from california and we showed him the true meaning of a St Cloud good time.

merry christmas from the Tinkler [Josh G].

your blogatrix,
Jesika Lin

1 comment:

  1. OMG I totally bought those Vera Wang strappy shoes from Kohls. I normally don't wear things that high, but they were surprisingly comfy and on sale for like $36 and i was LUSTINGGGGG