Thursday, March 10, 2011

One Sick Puppy

i haz a sick. its not cool. not cool at all. look how much like hammered ass i look. i was feeling so miserable at work i decided to take terrible photos of myself and send them to my friends looking for sympathy. Amy asked if i had a cold sore and was like "wait, what am i looking at here?" thanks dearest. thats really the kind of question i hope my face inspires. just in case youre wondering what i look like without makeup and at my absolute worst, here ya go:

yup. fat. kinda dykey. looking like i want to be shot. wearing my thundercats hoodie cuz i dont give a fuck. my face is breaking the fuck out as if the toxins inside me are trying to escape from this miserable shell they've been trapped in... really its just because ive done nothing but lay in bed and sleep for the last four days and havent done much in the way of showering. thank you, skin. i appriciate the totally random zit in the middle of my cheek where no oil whatsoever is produced. your spontinaety has been noted.

yup thats what ive been doing the last few days... reading like a fiend. i finished 'angelology,' 'are you there vodka, its me chelsea' and 'betrayed.' a good part of that feels like a waste of my time, as much as reading can be a waste. i should really do a book review post... next. my twitter has been filled with much anti-Pubococcygeal Cast ranting, i feel like im educating the masses on the dangers of really shitty young adult novels. seriously, our childrens minds are at stake!! [lol that would be humorous if there were any stakes in this supposed vampire novel... and i refuse to spell that with a 'y']... oh man i just need to do that book post already. tomorrow. hopefully there will be less snot in my head and i can think a little clearer. REALLY hoping today is the worst day and its not going to get even worse still.

just in case you think im an ugly lump now, here are some not so terrible pics of me to raise a beacon of hope that someday i will look like the sexy kind of hot mess again and not the gross, hopeless kind.

i was bored so i did a test of all my mascaras... realized that Last Blast Luxe in the blackened garnet color is absolutely useless and looks like nothing, so i tossed it. i then did Maybellines The Falsies on one eye and One By One on the other and concluded that The Falsies is still my favorite. kind of disappointing when you buy a new mascara only to find its not as good as the old one. thats why its called NEW AND IMPROVED, people. anybody have any mascara tips for me? i have somewhat sparse lashes and i like really black and very defined, not too goopy... i hate it when i get mascara on my lids, as then i have to redo my eyeshadow!

so, i promise you a bookie-wook post in the next day or two. i hope that isnt too boring for you fashionistas out there, gotta balance my chic with my nerdery. peace out, pray for me that i do not succumb to this black death.

jesitrix in her darkest hour

ps-- i have had 'Love Aint No Stranger' in my head all day, i feel like im going insane. IS THERE ANY CURE??

Sunday, March 6, 2011

BWOMMMMM[let your feelings slip boy but never your mask]

this is so fucking amazing i had to blog about it right the fuck now. i linked you to Hyperbole and a Half earlier, and you better have fucking read it if you werent already because its the funniest shit in the world. somebody made a video of her story The God of Cake, which is fucking amazing to begin with and i have used many of its pictures to describe my crazy and fat moods, such as:


i hate my grandma.* i love cake so much more than her.
[*i am pretty sure allie brosch doesnt hate her grandma. she was just a child who really wanted cake. but if she does hate her grandma, more power to her. sometimes your grandma sucks and you have to hate her, it happens.] [*issues*]
and my favorite emotion, fat.
all images (c) Allie Brosch, i did not draw these and do not have any rights to them. just reposting to show how much she rocks. <3 <3 <3 lub you plz dont hate me.

anyways somebody made a video of these images set to the music of the inception trailer, and it is the most amazing dramatic thing ever and it will rock your fucking socks off. watch it NAOW!!!!:

ok right now i need to order some pizza. and mother of fucking god do i need to clean today. that is something youll never hear from me so fucking savor it while you can. but its like EVERY SINGLE SURFACE IN OUR APARTMENT IS COVERED IN CAT LITTER. how the fuck do the cats do this????? i think its a combination of Oscar von Douche playing in the cat box for hours at a time and Poppy the Mountain Hag Cat not being able to groom herself or do anything so litter gets stuck all over her feet and hairy legs and she doesnt do a thing about it. lately theres been a dusting of cat litter on the back of my couch were Poppy occassionally sits which is gross but i just brush it off. but last night as i was thoroughly cleaning the thing i noticed that in the seams between the cushions there were DRIFTS of litter, tons of it like fucking sand on a beach. OMGGGGG it was gross i almost had a meltdown like i do from gross things sometimes. and its all over the table Poppy uses to get to my couch, and the carpet so i have to wear slippers... so ugh, cleaning today. my vaccuum just vomits and dies whenever you try to use it so lets hope the carpet shark [repurposed from work] can at least get some of the job done.

wow that was a fun rant about cat litter and cleaning. sorry. that was neither sexy not fashiony. well in sexy news ive been having tons of sexy dreams lately about some of my paramours, last night i was in a casino with the foxy D and just couldnt wait to get to the hotel with him, we were making out even as we were getting out of the car and you know when you have dream makeouts that are like super intense, you can feel every little thing and its all movie-like, like you can see the sunlight sparkling off everything and its kind of slo mo and dreamy? maybe im the only person who has dreams like this. anyways there was making out, and walking through the casino where there were crazy backwoods yokels stalking us [this is happening to me in real life, theyre EVERYWHERE in st cloud lately] and planning on killing us once we got to the hotel room. whatever, we got in there and barricaded the door and went at it.

but there was also Z there, who in the dream was D's little brother, and Z was having like hot super naughty gay sex with some dude, and everything was sexy and awesome. Z has the prettiest hair.

wow totally random dream rambling as well. should not be blogging before i fully wake up or eat anything. but those are the kinds of super sexy dreams i have all the time about like every guy i meet. ive had multiple dreams about D now and the anticipation of not being able to meet up with him for weeks is KILLIN me smalls and reflected in my dream libido. libido which was totally in hybernation for a while but is suddenly ragin. OMG i even hit on a random guy in a bar and gave him my number, what the hale ive NEVER done that before [with the exception of the three people i hit on at Jacks 21st birthday bar crawl, but those were party people who i actually talked to for a while so its a little different]!! thats where i met Z. Amy hit on his cousins boyfriend also and we were just PIMPIN that night. that guy showed us his nipples and danced with us and was all out crazy... then he started yelling the n-word outside LOL. my dude wasnt exactly a peach either, he just kept saying how everything fucking sucks. OH MY GOD am i sick of whiny, lonely, depressed dudes lately!!!!! how do you ever expect to get a girl if youre going to bitch all the fucking time?!? ...except for in Z's case because i was bound and determined and i even bought him a shot to try to cheer him/shut him up. and gave him my number. oh well. that was a fun little experiment that i really dont care how it works out. im much more intrigued by whats going to happen with Amyboo and this nipple-showing racist!!

will keep you posted. keep it real, keep it sexy.
x. jesika gothowitz

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Pink Elepants! Pink Elephants on Your Wang!

hey boos! as promised, my friend Emily started her book review youtube channel, you can find her at Chronicles of Daisyland. heres a sample of how adorable and awesome her videos are!

doesnt that just make you want to go caress your own books and gaze tenderly at your own bookshelf? i might have to start doing my own reviews or at least a bookshelf tour, because i do love my books muchly and i have TONS of them. plus new forum of nerdery!!

i haz blue hair now! this is a crappy photo of it and everything seems to be whited out except my double chin, but huzzah, here it is. better pictures... in the future hopefully. will take pictures tomorrow when i go out with the gurls. tomorrow we're going to Mongos [delicious mongolian bbq which an argueably racist name] and then out for drinks. should be righteous.

here's a little naughty sex tour of stuff we've got going on at Fantasy Gifts right now. this here is the Ogee from Screaming O that we just got in. supposed to be totally the shit, but i was pretty surprised at the $50 pricetag, considering it doesnt have dual motors. supposedly the bullet on the left "sends vibrations" throughout the whole thing, but that usually doesnt get the job done for me. i need a bullet right up on my business for that to work, although i guess if youre more sensitive this might do it. it can function like the WeVibe, which is also U-shaped and worn half inside against the Gspot and half outside against the clitoris during vaginal sex. this one can do the same thing, which is awesome for couples, but it doesnt have the extra vibration on the inside so i dont know if it could actually give you the Gspot orgasm. i do like that this one is super bendable so you can get the uses of several different kinds of toys out of it. we'll see if it sells... it is about half the price of the WeVibe so maybe it'll be a hit with couples. we've got it right up by the counter too, but its a little pricey for an impulse buy.

this thing gives me the roflz to no end. its a vibrating cock ring with a little elephant on it. complete with little feet and trunk. im all for vibrating cock rings-- never used one myself but i think theyre awesome and lots of couples like them-- but if i had a dick id draw the line at a little pink elephant taking residence on my wang.  id think looking down on that would be a major bonerkiller. plus me and my ex had this major thing for elephants, and i so with we were still in touch so i could show him this and give him the lols.

this is our evolved tower which is extra pretty and i like to hang out around it and bask in its candy colors and sleek packages. theyre little tin and clear plastic boxes with little metal fasteners, super super cute i almost want to shell out the dough for a mediocre-powered toy just to get the totally kickass box. and omg dont you wish you had those little black stands for your own vibrators?!

closeup on the awesome boxes... that pink sucker on the right just might be mine come tax return time.... i usually try to spring for one expensive toy a year. last year i got the Sqweel, this year i think its finally time to get a fancy rabbit-style vibe. this one has little plastic discs inside that move in wave patterns, that should feel pretty freaking awesome in your vagazzle.

we got these sexily-packaged mondo dildos in based off of the real weiners of gay porn stars. its Mark Lucas' After Hours line. as yooj gay porn stars are WAY more attractive than straight porn stars, who are all steroid looking and ginormous and always keep their white socks and KSwisses on. there are virtually no straight male porn stars i find attractive.... pretty much just keni styles, sometimes james deen and sometimes jean val jean. pictured here is the fucking delicious Ben Andrews , who i would like a replica of to keep in my closet. OH MY GOD DELICIOUS LITTLE BOD. and i have a total weakness for cute gay little briefs like that. if only my man wasnt commando only... i should totally weasel him into wearing a pair of those bad boys. id have those suckers spit covered in no time.

hello my baby, hello my darlin!! mama likes... mama needs one to keep in her closet post-haste! seriously, perfect tiny bod and a GINORMOUS WANG. i suppose i ought to explain... i am not actually obsessed with giant weiners. i mean, theyre fine and all... but in recent times my best boo Amy B and i began the sharing of weiner pics [which we drunkenly coerce from our male suitors via sext] and constant weiner talk. we're just doing the guy locker room talk thing, only lady style. plus... say the word "weiner" for me. say it out loud. doesnt it feel good. weiner. peen. wang. wanger. dong. weenus. peener. ahhh it just feels so good.

anya: "now im burdened with a husband and several tiny pink children and more cash than i can manage..."
xander: "sweetie, that means youre winning."
anya: "really? im so pleased! can i trade in the children for more cash?"

ohh. if only.

kudos to the totally flaming, hand-on-hip sassy Wilfried Knight! get your sass-hand on sister.

ok... he reminds me a little bit of my bf. masculinely hairy balanced with a touch of fabulosity.

and the man himself, Michael Lucas. givin me lolz with his best zoolander duck face and ridiculously proportioned body. ahhhhhhhhh nothing in this picture seems to make sense, the more i stare at it the more i feel like im going insane! is it just me or is his head too big for his body? doesnt everything look ridonk? is it just terribly photoshopped? someone give me the dealyo.

yet another example of the unfair advantage gay porn has. ok, this guy is a little blah in the face, looking a big like a derpa ryan gosling, but hello, tattoo and pink shorts! this is really just male solos so technically its not really gay porn, and its font & design looks just like the Playgirl features we have, so maybe its directed toward women too? idk. all i know is that we need to see more of this kind of thing in hetero porn. share the love, boys.

not that i dont enjoy just watching gay porn. it has the tasty honeys and ive always loved boy/boy action, but it has its drawbacks too. ive never seen gay porn with good oral unless its hardcore/s&m dungeon stuff [embarrassingly i have a huge boner for a certain Cum Fucking Skinheads volume]... seriously, do gay porn dudes just not care as much as female porn stars about making their oral look good? nobody goes deep or does anything that looks interesting. i feel like people in gay porn dont try as hard. and once they get down to it... i just cant watch like 20 minutes of straight [lol no pun intended... i mean continuous] buttfucking. in and out. blah blah blah. idk... the world seems nuts about anal sex, but i think it looks boring. its gotta have interesting positions, and the close up sucks. peen in ass looks like basically nothing. pussy definately has its benefits.

oh the reason i posted this particular title is that Mr Tight Latin Manholes totally looks like my yummy friend Dave from california... miss you, you naughty little thing!

Tengas are the cutest male sex toys ever!!! the really make me wish i have a dick so i could stick it in one! oh the japanese... they think of everything. ive finger-fucked many of these and they feel super good... both true-to-pussy lifelike and dareisay a bit better with different textures and suction-ness. not that its better than having a real girl, but its a pretty pleasant treat for your ween if you dont have one on hand.

or you could go the other route and get the amputated lady below... shes like a girlfriend only without the pesky head and limbs!

pretty sexy covers...

Phyllis got some sexy new threads! i totally want this outfit... it comes with the blindfold too! its very slinky and soft.

and here we have the Bane of Big Girls Everywhere. the worlds cutest lingerie, available only in small, medium and large. Emily and I have mused over it many times and despite some brief wishful self-delusions have decided that we cannot, no matter how hard we try, squeeze into the large and have it look anything but retarded. i mean i probably COULD physcially get it around me, but it would sort of be like a ruffly belt with two triangular pasties covering my nipples. and it would not be pretty.

but UGHHHH it has butt ruffles! and a butt bow!!!! and those little dots? YEAH THEYRE HEARTS. ARE YOU DYING INSIDE? IM DYING INSIDE. #drama#

and again with the stabs in the heart, this time from the panties that only come in midget sizes. the large? yeah, its the only one that would fit on our panty mannequin... the one who's only the front half of a lady and has no ass. yes, if you are exactly one-half of a person, you can wear a size large!

but do not despair, my buxom beauties. we got new plus size Dreamgirls lingerie today!! actually we got the same styles in one size fits most too-- its a rare awesome occasion when we get the same cute styles in both sizes, being that the plus size DG section is like 1/4 the size of the regular. this is the sweet schoolgirl... its pink plaid, my weekness!!! needz it.

sexy maid! of all the typical fantasy outfits, maid is like the only one i dont have because a) i think servitude fantasies are a little creepy, and maids dont turn me on and b) we never have any cute ones. but this one's pretty adorable. [well we have a full on little maids dress, but its expensive... im planning on buying it for going as Columbia to Rocky Horror, maybe for march's show...  the Uptown Theater in Minneapolis hosts it the last saturday of every month, preformed by the lovely Transvestite Soup crew, check it out! really fucking good times.

and theres another sexy cop outfit [sorry for blurry photo, camera hates DG packages]! totally my weakness!  i have a sexy cop halloween costume that i ADORE and have worn to concerts and stuff cuz it has this hawt vinyl corset waist and little vinyl epaulets that connect to a collar... it actually might be featured on some KMFDM live videos because i was in the front row being filmed shakin my ass and dreads! but this... is like a bedroom version of my dress. still with the sexy waist! and a badge and a hat! i can wear it with my hooker boots! ughhh.... but its black though and i wanted to buy less black lingerie and more fun colors... uggggghhh what should i buy, and dont say all three! helpz.

just wanted to leave you with these gems... totally hideous and Should Be on the Nanny, amirite? but... arent they kind of alluring? like, i wanna be a big trashy black lady and dance in these like i dont fucking care? [they have two ankle staps, that helps] seriously, i tried these on considering buying them. but they are UNGODLY FUCKING UNCOMFORTABLE. i really wish. i wouldve bought them and indulged my fran dresch dreams, for real.

so i went on my weekly trip to yon walsmart and bought my usual crapton of things. they finally have the Physicians Formula Happy Booster makeup!! its a light reflecting bronzer thingy thats supposed to have... plant ingredients and... stuff... that makes you happy. somehow. with science. and it smells like violets!! and its pink and shiny and has a little pink heart of blush... oh cmon. the science may be questionable but its awesome anyways. i put it on and it surrounded me with good violety smells [i think i had a scented blush like this when i was little, you know that toy kiddie makeup you used to get... omg i had this awesome strawberry shortcake makeup...], i never checked it out to see if it makes me glowy and light-diffusey, hopefully it doesnt make me look like an oompa loompa or my favorite, The Glazed Donut:

what color is that??? tangerine? keep in mind this is an actual person that jackie knows, somebodys xgirlfriend, who PAINTS herself this color every day. my ex's exact reaction "omg its a glazed donut wtf." exactamundo.

maybe i am turning into one of those lame sweatpants wearing snooki wannabes because i bought some hemp Malibu lotion, favorite of skin cancer booth junkies. i got it cuz its a big honkin bottle and i wanted to smell summery. dont judge me. maybe i just wanted a drink. mmmmojito.

and at last we come to the end of our nights journey... the movie haul. really wish i had a little fishermans net to put these into... because im a retard like that. all the movies are $5, totally my new addiction. we have Fern Gully, which my FB homeskillets convinced me i could not live without after i passed it over last week. apparently everyone loves this little slice of our past... remember when rainforests were like a super big deal back in like 1994? i rember being in 3rd or 4th grade and doing a whole unit on them, and tranforming our room into a fake rainforest... and there was this rap about it... remember playing Amazon Trail??? that was the shit! takin pictures... spearfishing and hitting that fucking log!! those were the days.

me to jackie just now: "you are so lucky you cant sneeze into your own boobs. it sucks."

as you can see, i also got The Orphanage, awesome guillermo del toro flick, Zack and Miri Make a Porno, which of course i love because it has porn stars, dildos and star wars, both Jeepers Creepers movies which i havent seen and i hope dont suck, but for $2.50 each it doesnt matter too much. im on a super horror movie kick lately. i wasnt too impressed with Trick r Treat which i bought last week. id heard good things about it, and it was mildly entertaining but not scary at all. and i also got season 2.0 of Battlestar Galactica... ive only seen season 1 and that was a few years ago, but i think its time to get back into the geekiness.

thats all for tonight, i hope ive thouroughly exhausted you with bloggy goodness. jackie and i are having a little buffy season 5 marathon and ive got to get back to the Riley-hating. right now im praying his heart will explode. cross your fingers with me.

Jesika Gothowitz

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Klingon Boggle[Pubococcygeal Cast blinded me with science]

hey! sorry ive been super absentee lately. uhhhh roommate stuff, laziness, birthday stuff, actual boyfriend.... that makes it sound like im really busy but ive mostly been just sleeping and watching big bang theory and dollhouse. due to this laziness that seems to be preventing me from actually blogging, ive started a tumblr where i can dump all the photos first so you can see them in a somewhat timely manner. ive noticed a lot of my favorite blogatrices have these and theyre pretty awesome. heres agent lover's and the girl who ate everything's [omg robyn and kare from norway are dating now!!!! its like a foodblog soap opera, squee! [you probably dont care... but you should read her, and you should care, your life will be better for it]]

ummm should i actually post stuff? its 4am and i still want to cut and dye my hair before i go to bed because im going to barnes and noble with the lovely Emily W. from fantasy gifts tomorrow to look at teen vampire novels and stuff. i haz a new dorky friend lolz... we spend like three hours over valentines playing celebrity name games, and the beeotch got me hooked on reading the absolutely horrible 'house of night books'... speaking of soap operas!!! the things are fucking atrociously written, even worse than twilight, but the ridiculous plotlines make you HAVE to read it, like she has three boyfriends, a human a vampire and a vampire TEACHER whom she loses her virginity to, her best friend is a zombie, everybody loves her, everybody hates her etc. i never watched 90210 [though i SHOULD HAVE] but i imagine it was a lot like this except without the undead parts.

[i blame emily for me buying this]

and did i mention ATROCIOUS writing??? like, multiple mentions of diarrhea in the first book alone? the main character is obsessed with "brown pop"? while running for her life she thinks to herself, "a good pair of ballet flats really DOES work for all occasions?" plus i the writers name is PC Cast which i can only read as  Pubococcygeal Cast.

also me and Emily have the same glasses, i should get a pic sometime. and she wants to do a book review podcast!! i will surely post a link as soon as she does.

stuff and things:

my best boo Amy took me to get my nails done as a bday present. we went to Foxy Nails because it is the most appropriately named place for us. im a bit of a n00b as this was only my 2nd time getting my nails did, and im totally creeped out by being brusquely ordered around by a bunch of asian dudes. i had a new guy for the first half of my mani and he took FOREVER and also built up one of my pinky nails to a gargantuan thickness. the store manager brian worked on the last half of my mani and he was much better, as well as adorable... he had a little plaque with his name on it and little dangly nailpolish charms hanging from his light!! cuteness. all the regulars were cooing over him, he must be the big shit at foxy nails. i was super digging on the florescent, glow in the dark green i got, but these were way long for me even after asking for shorter about four times. ive since trimmed them down to lesbian length and theyre doing nicely. anyone have any recommendations for good nail places in the area? id prefer not to be barked at or asked to leave my purse and coat in a random chair across the salon. also somewhere where they're used to doing more than just french manis, i want something creative and not just WHITE TIP PINK TIP. where do the black ladies get their nails did???

Amyboo has been so good to me lately and while we were shopping at the mall stole me this pillbox from Icing!! there is really nothing more flattering than having something stolen for you. anyone can just buy something. a real friend steals for you. now she just needs to steal me some pills to fill it with...

then we saw a white lady with an amazing badonkadonk and leopard heels and followed her into target trying to take pictures. i saw her later that night at the gas station buying candy for her kid lol!!! im certain we'll meet again, White Lady with Badonkadonk.

i got this purse for my bday from TJ Maxx... by that i mean i treated myself to a new purse. it certainly is shiny and covered with crap, isnt it! i was madly in love with it at first but now, a week later, our relationship has soured. oh you are so pretty, blingy purse... but your chain strap is annoying, loud and wont stay on my shoulder. you make a ton of noise when i set you down on a counter or table. and you have no nice exterior pockets. and your sequin texture feels gross. sigh.

so i am once again in the Eternal Purse Struggle. i cant find good ones anywhere. i went back to TJ Maxx where i usually go when im serious about getting a purse, as they have tons of them usually of the big and sparkley variety. nada that i want right now... they have cute Harajuku Lovers ones but they arent the right size for my needs and a little too childish for what i want right now. maybe what i want is just impossible...? but when i comprimise on the whole pockets and size thing i end up hating the purse and not using it.  this is seriously the hardest thing for me to shop for... other things im less picky about but the purse has to be perfect and user friendly for all my shit. Amyboo and i went to the purse kiosk in the mall where you can get those big, blingy knockoff looking purses and i found some semi-suitable ones, but they're a bit more pricey than the $40 MAX i spend on a good purse [ive only spent that once on a tj maxx purse, my other two expensive ones were in the $30 range] and the salesguy is super clingy and pushy so i didnt get a good look last time. going to check out jc penney's too as they have a pretty big selection and i got my awesome yellow purse there. why is this SO HARD??? anyone have any good purse store suggestions? ive started asking customers and ive heard good things about some boutique stores around the area, but im guessing thats expensive.

from the more satisfying end of the spectrum, on my TJ Maxx venture i also got some awesome clearance shoes!! these Blowfish shoes/booties were only $10 and are super comfortable!! i love how the fabric is bunched into little ruffles around the buttons, it makes it semi-girly. ive been wearing these with cuffed skinny jeans to show off all the buttons. SUPER COMFY, the inside is even all suedey. plus they get an A+ from my NRA-card-carrying dad. for real... he says they're "sharp."

also got another pair of $10 boots, these ones are liz claibornes!  theyre a touch mom-ish [seriously, i need to keep them away from my mom so she doesnt steal them] but im a big fan of strappy things and the mini-wedge is awesome. the squared pointy toe makes them look nice and dressy, makes me feel hawt. cant beat ten bucks, seriously.

ok for reals, i need to go work on my hair. the vampires are waiting.

keep an eye on the tumblr! love you boos!
<3 your blogatrix
Jesika Gothowitz
[OMG SPEAKING OF.....guess who i found on twitter?!?! um just my boyfriend simon helberg.... and my other boyfriend fran kranz.... no big deal just the HOTTEST NERDS ON TV since the original secret boyfriend spencer reid, but everybody likes him and id rather have these two all to myself, thankyouverymuch. now leave us alone, its time for a tagteam science lesson in my bedroom.]