Monday, January 24, 2011

Up Harry Hamlin's Skirt [baby thinking of you keeps me up all night]

god damn my boyfriend for being so fucking awesome that i wake up with this song in my head. yes hun, you do drive me crazy by calling me a tattooed venus, but now i have to watch this video and its full of nineties tack. you know its the 90s when melissa joan hart is in it trying to be sexy. YOU WERE IN A SHOW WITH AN ANIMATRONIC CAT [A SHITTY ONE]. NO MORE CAREER FOR YOU. we'll always love clarissa explains it all though. all i ever wanted was to dress like her, and like claudia kishi from the babysitters club books [first asian crush??].

bonus baby adrian grenier!

what the fuck have i been up to lately?... well jackerella moved in. the kitchen is still a disturbing warren of boxes but we have the living room and bedroom all set up, and our all important nerd lair/miniLAN/woman cave computer area is set up, which is where we are right now. sitting a foot away from each other nerding out in our own seperate worlds. right now shes watching some show about nerds trying to compete for a job at the playstation channel, or something. and im watching britney videos. i think we're both surprising each other with how nerdy we are in more ways than either can anticipate. we're also farting a lot and enjoying watching tv from our seperate couches with our pants unzipped.

we also got our old skool Clash of the Titans on the other night [not in french though... this is a badass poster though, i wants it]. i used to watch it all the time with my mom, along with Jason and the Argonauts, which has some groundbreaking and awesome stop-motion special effects. if you havent seen this movie you HAVE TO. not the shitty remake.... but ESPECIALLY if youve already seen the remake and need even more proof that it sucks sweaty ballsack. i havent seen the old one in about ten years and it was even better than i remembered. parts of it had me lol'in so bad.

Clash stars Harry Hamlin, known to folks like me as Logan's smarmy actor dad on Veronica Mars, and husband to the uber creepy blowup doll woman Lisa Rinna. *sigh*.... logan. i miss you vmars. anyways hamlin was a young stud when this movie was made and basically trots around like a beskirted male model the whole movie with a vacant, slightly puzzled expression on his face. apparently Perseus is really confused by all the goings on in ancient greece and somehow gets roped into trying to save the city/princess and has to have a bunch of magical items and creatures help him because he's infinately fucking stupid. the gods give him a bunch of special weapons, each of which he uses once and then loses. invisibility helmet? oops, i dropped that in a swamp. awesome sword? uhh... i cant seem to keep it in my hand. whoopsies. but look at my sweet mandress!

i imagine that a lot of gay dudes like this movie because its basically two hours of mancandy. perseus wears some ridiculously fabulous little outfits. he also looks freakishly like my ex boyfriend jack, who was also pretty but useless.

dang, look at that. you can see why i kept him around even after he started acting like a chode. plus he made this awesome jim face:

one of my favorite photos ive ever taken of anyone. yes we brought our jim mug to perkins. he was just the kind of chode who brought his own mug everywhere.

anyways so harry hamlin... is pretty boy and my mom called him a "pornstar" today in a derogatory fashion. old skool Titans also had way spookier special effects in my opinion. theres something about the old monster-movie stop motion claymation that is just hella scary... maybe its the inhuman nature the clay brings to features or the jerky way they move. the old medusa was way scarier, i mean this is one evil bitch:

oh shit, you dont want to cross her! shes all wicked witch of the west + snakes. [and y'all must know, i LOVE me some wicked witch!!] i found medusa in the shithouse 2010 version to be way too human looking and also too sexy. shes not supposed to be hot-evil, shes supposed to be so fucking hideous that her UGLINESS is what turns you to stone. i mean i love me some sexy demons and evil gods, but this is supposed to be one of the scariest parts of the movie. so we go from this:

to this:

no bueno. youre not in any way supposed to want to have sex with medusa. she'll pwn your ass.

another scary bitch from the old Titans is Calibos, goddess/nymph queen Thetis's son who was cursed by Zeus to become a hideous monster. Calibos was supposed to marry Andromeda who becomes Perseus's lady, so now his only option is to send a giant vulture to Andromeda every night who carries her spirit/consciousness in a cage to his creepy swamp lair so he can tell her riddles and shit. obviously. what else is a spurned lover supposed to do. hes a total creeper who has a bunch of greek hillbillies and midgets to serve him.

yucksauce, dude. cant you feel him undressing you with his eyes? EWWW. CREEPERS GON CREEP!! i cant stop staring at his giant wrestling belt... and wtf is that on the left, a giant paperclip? little black slide trombone? its a shame they turned him into Perseus's lightning-deformed father in the remake, he lost his perv vibe. Calibos had a really creepy swishy devil tail and after Perseus cuts his hand off he replaces it with a sick trident hand!! plus then there was this whole rivalry between his mother Thetis, played by the divine miss Maggie Smith, lookin hot back in the day, and Zeus, Perseus's father. There was much more god stuff in the old one, including my favorite goddess Athena with her adorable owl pet who nestles and coos against her. She makes a version out of gold named Bubo and sends him down to help Perseus. it was by far my favorite part of the movie as a kid and he still fucking rules.

he's adorable as shit! he speaks in clicks and whistles and falls down a lot. and totally saves Pereus' ass most of the time. the dumb shit cant even handle hanging on to Medusa's head to kill the Kraken, that was all Bubo, all the way. in the remake they briefly take Bubo out of a box, decide they dont need him, and fucking leave him behind to go on their gay little quest. LAME! BAD CHOICE GREEKS!

oh yeah, and if youre still on the fence about the old Titans, there's also totally random nudity. thats right, N00Ds. right of the bat, Zeus sends Perseus and his madre to a remote island so they'll be safe while he destroys their city, and you see all little disturbingly sexual nursing going on.

dude, im freaked out just having this on my computer, im deleting it right away. OMG just as i was typing this jackie got up to get a pop and was like "AHHH! you need to warn me if youre looking at stuff like that!" goddamn it Clash of the Titans, now my roommate thinks i have a lactation fetish. EWW.

kay so then we see Lil Perseus taking a strangely nude walk with mommy down the beach. no wonder this guy grew up to wear dresses. immediately after this scene we see Perseus riding a horse bareback in a tiny loincloth. ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL US SOMETHING CLASH OF THE TITANS??? anyways its a good movie for people who like to see women's asses and boobiez.

you also get to see Greek Barbie aka Andromeda taking a sexy bath. yay for random boobies!!

thus concludes my Titans rant. highly, highly recommend it, and you can get it in the value bin at Walmart for five bucks! cant go wrong. oh, i got Interview with the Vampire too, as well as THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE which ive been wanting to see for 6+ months. really want to have a human centipede party... maybe we could play twister. ill let you know how that goes.

keep it real, kittens. be like me: wear your female cosby sweater, cram a ginormous peice of sushi in your moth and show those bitches how its done.


Monday, January 17, 2011

Vaginal Potsticker Downs Syndrome Bunny Girl Superplus!: Do You Believe in Love?

sorry about the dead air lately. to tide you over heres a potsticker that looks like a vagina:

and this lovely new packaging from work:

nothing says sexy like an anime bunny girl with downs syndrome.

peace out!

Friday, January 7, 2011

Lip Balm and Adult Dildo Rockers

hey dolls! finally got around to spending my Ulta gift card and instead of getting the bare minerals set or the BM eyeshadow ive been drooling over, i bought a bunch of random shit. 

i did get this Revlon "siren" lipstick that ive been lusting after for a month. Revlon was showcasing some of their classic lipsticks and i had a boner for this bright, fantastic orange. i totally love the 50s Revlon logo as well, reminds me of Barbie! [also pictured: 'android karenina' which Brittany got me for xmas!!! its an awesome read. blowing through it much faster than i did the original in college. it helps that anna's husband is a cyborg and theres a mining robot named "Tit."]

cant wait to wear it. i love me some uber bright lipstick. my fav brights are Maybelline's "cool watermelon" (super candy-bright orange-pinkyred) and L'Oreal's "sea fleur" (vibrant fushia-violet). this is over our work notebook, thats why you can plainly see "cockring" just below the lipstick. tip: dont call the store asking us to describe how cockrings work. we know youre a creeper.

ive been regressing and am super into lip smackers lately. lately ive been rocking cotton candy and strawberry vanilla. then OMG i found these special edition Paul Frank ones!!! OMFG ITS CALLED "BUNNY GIRL'S CARROT CAKE." who can resist??? unfortuantely, although its super cute, for some reason it smells like indian food to me. maybe its just my frequent trips to Star of India lately?? seriously, thats the way it smells though.

in the center we have Sally Hanson's Vita B lip moisturizer. its been super cold and dry here in minnesota and ive been craving hardcore lip balm. this stuff is super silky and makes my lips feel awesome. its berry flavored and supposedly has vitamin b, acai and pomegranate to improve your lips condition... this is mainly what i was going for as i can keep reapplying lip smackers til the cows come home but yall know it doesnt actually do anything to actually CURE your lip's dryness. plus cute clear tube!! although i was a little miffed when i checked my reciept and learned this sucker was $4.99... thats pretty fucking high for lip balm.

this has got me longing for middle school, the heyday of lip balm obsession. one time my friend Sara and i were at a party [with an actual DJ... pretty awesome for 8th grade amirite? he was our classmate though... but i saw that guy this summer doing sound for Lords of Acid!] and we ate an entire tin of cherry vanilla tip balm! it was super tasty but im surprised we didnt have terrible barfing and shitting fits. i cant remember what brand it was... it was from Target and it was some kind of "naturals" brand along the bottom of the last row... i really cant remember the name but i know it was all fruit flavored stuff and i distinctly remember things being "guava" flavored. the balm was super rich and buttery. SOMEONE HELP ME OUT HERE!!! dammit.

EDIT: its this shit!! i cant figure out what the parent brand is though, i know they carried other products as well. but that cherry vanilla balm was the fucking shit.

Sara was also the queen of the old skool Bath & Body Works. you know, with the red and white checked awnings?? there were red and white tablecloths too and the salewomen had to wear red aprons, are you remembering this shit?? shit was all in baskets and barrels, they were going for the apple orchard thing i guess. all the product labels were hand drawn fruits and stuff.

my friends and i were super into rigid roles... everyone had THEIR signature color, THEIR powerpuff girl, THEIR 'now & then' character [amirite?? i was gaby hoffman/demi moore, the chainsmoking writer of course] and of course, their official B&BW scent. Sara's was Country Apple. she had EVERYTHING. i was a mooch and always stopped by her locker between classes to borrow her lotion [i was too cheap to buy my own B&BW]. and Sara always had the creme de la creme of lipbalms, the fat B&BW stick. like twice the size of a regular lipbalm, super buttery and delicious. the best flavors were again, cherry vanilla, and sun-ripened raspberry. these products are so fucking old i cant even find pics of them, because they were totally pre-internet. if anybody else remembers these, please comment!!

edit: Jill [the blond darling in the stripey shirt below] found this pic of the old country apple logo! yup i remeber these spritz bottles with the textured top. mm it smells like my all-time favorite year, 1998! someday ill do a post on this most awesome of years.


das the crew at my fourteenth or fifteenth birthday party. that would be me on the far right in my favorite 'boys lie' tee shirts, being a little babydyke. Sara is the one looking so adorably goth in one of her gazillion smashing pumpkins tee shirt [she had every single one!!] rest assured we have all grown up to be about ten million times hotter than this!! now quick, guess which 3 are married with kids, which one is a world travelling former model and which one is a polyamorist porn store employee!

sorry, major digression... gah... ok also pictured above is an OPI nailpolish from the cher-xtina 'burlesque' movie collection [did anybody see that movie? it looked like badly acted gay vomit to me]. this is called 'let me entertain you' and its a dense magenta glitter. on sale too!!

at the last minute i grabbed this pumice block for my uber peely winter heels. bonus: its called "Rock Bottom"! just like moi!!! but after this i had a horrible nightmare that i was pumicing my heel, and i sloughed off all the skin and flesh until  only had this totally awkward, weird shaped heel bone to walk on. it was fucking terrifying!! now im totally afraid to pumice myself...

how about a mini tour of some weird shit we have at work??

we just got this fabulous adult rocker/sit & spin!! my boss is totally freaked out by it because it looks so much like one of her 3 year olds toys and is totally packaged like its from fisher price. for me its somewhere in between being a good idea and being totally creepy. i mean, yes i would like a peice of furniture that would replace a boyfriend. but i would feel way fucking silly sitting in my aparment rocking and humping this thing.

this gal seems to be enjoying it though.

im disturbed/skeptical. ps this is probably my favorite totally weird photo of myself.

this is Phyllis, our mannequin. if you dont work at Fantasy Gifts, please do not take your picture with her, its just fucking weird. also do not grope her boobs or check to see what her nipples look like. i say hi to her whenever i walk by and right now im commisserating with her for still having to wear her santa hat even though its after new years. poor, poor Phyllis. [dont ask me why thats her name. thats what she was introduced as when i started 3 years ago.]

rock on, ya'll.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Gumdrops for the Troops

Craperella. i have been sleeping at the most awkard times lately, like 9pm to 7am. what the fuck time is that to sleep? it goes against my nocturnal nature. so now im trying to write a blog about absolutely nothing.

in a fit of weirdness i shaved off two-thirds of my hair, and since it is currently four below im in need of way more hats. big hats. ridiculous hats. uber warm hats.

its a hoodie scarf hat! my mom got me this sweet little knit number for xmas.

and it has pompoms! poms have long been my obsession, ever since i found a scarf with huge white poms on the ends at Rue21, held them up to my ex boyfriends face and yelled "ITS INUYASHAS BALLS!!!" they still reminds me of fuzzy testes, in the most awesome way [now is probably a good time to clarify that i am NOT a furry].

of course i am never satisfied with just ONE new thing, so i went and bought my first totally bitchin trapper hat. for the last few years ive been on the fence about whether i want to buy one, and have been searching for one with a decidedly non-woodsy motif. and haha! hearts! i love me some hearts.

super cute, ne? i literally put it on the second i left Target [GIRLCRACK!], which ugh, im totally kicking myself over.... ok so i come up to the checkout with my basket of dollar zone stuffed animals and post its [GIRAFFE and ROBOT post its btw... target has taken a page right out of my brain and made lots of their vday stuff robot themed!! i need to put my tinfoil hat on], lint rollers and other shit i had to buy to make myself feel better for not finding Dollhouse season 1, and my gorgeous hat. the girl scanned everything, got to the hat at the bottom and said "is this yours?" and im like yessss... its in my basket, no? and shes like, are you buying it or is it your hat? and LIKE AN IDIOT I WAS LIKE "OH, IM BUYING IT." yes, i am too dumb to snag a free hat. quick on my feet, im not. but oh well, not like it wasnt worth whatever i paid for it.

kyooot. yes, i am vain and enjoy takin pictures of myself. the coat is from target also, about two years ago, and its one of my favorites. the brooch/medal is also from target, i got a bunch of them for like $2 on clearance and i love the way they make my coats look all fancy. also pictured somewhere in there is an iggy pop pin ive had FOREVER and treasure. i think i got it at urban outfitters when i was a little velvet goldminer in high school.

random: so on my street they tore out the Hooters and are almost done building st clouds first White Castle! im excited and a little afraid!! excited about more drunk drive thru options... afraid because Jackie, my best face-cramming buddy and burger addict, refuses to eat there with me for fear/pooping reasons. bad omen??? but you know i give everything a fair shot, so i am excited to try it... in fact i need to do a new burger tour and hit the Five Guys and the mysterious Best Burger Ever.

so the point of my story is that my friend Lynn made an amusing FB post noting that while the White Castle is fully built and looks almost done inside, they have yet to take down the Hooters sign. says Lynn: "I think it's going to be some sort of hybrid... White Hooters... Or Hooter Castle." i like white hooters as thats what i have and theyre quite lovely, and ive enjoyed quite a few white hooters in my day... but its not very inclusive. i do enjoy other types of hooters. all of which im guessing would be found at the HOOTER CASTLE, a magical place where all our dreams come true!!

now im going to be kind of disappointed when they just serve burgers.

im quite tempted to turn this into a foodblog post, as ive pretty much given up on my Nom Mitten blog. heres some foodie-type things.

i had the privelege of spending much of christmas day hanging out with my cousins 10 year old son Casey, who proudly showed me this totally fucking amazing gingerbread house he made. it was initally just a regular boring old gingerbread house, but part of the roof collapsed and the little fucking genius got out his army men and made it into this awesome fort under attack or something.

according to Caseys explaination, theres a gingerbread man inside and theyre trying to rescue him from terrorists.

i told him i was sending it to my friends and he wanted me to ask them what they thought of it on a scale of 1-10. my boo Luke confirmed that this gingerbread hovel goes up to 11. Casey also wanted me to post it on youtube [though its just pictures...?] and wanted to know "if the troops would like it." OMFG kids are the best. normally im like GAH CHILDREN but ive found i get along well with 3 year old girls [we both like kitties and food] and 10 year old boys [we both like blood and guts and superheroes]. 

ok i think ill spare you the pics of the fajitas i got from La Casita that came with a mysterious green sauce. maybe i will reactivate the foodblog. you know i love to talk about the shit i eat.

now for Good News!Bad News.

good news is one of my all time best boos Jackie is moving in with me sometime this month! i am super duper excited. it'll save both of us some money but the best part is we're going to have a super pimp pad and we're going to have some much fun! geeking out in our little mini-LAN area, sharing our wealth of movies and geeky tv shows, and of course eating lots of weird shit together. oh and hanging out with her insane cats, Oscar and Poppy. Oscar is a big gay retard and Poppy is a crazy old mountain hag cat. stay tuned for hijinks!

bad news is my other best boo Amy B's dad is in the hospital on life support for liver failure :'( my boo and i have had a great year reconnecting after not speaking for a while and it breaks my heart to see this happening to her. especially after Jackie just went through losing her dad this fall. why do bad things keep happening to my friends???? I HATE IT!! i wish there was something i can do. so everybody keep amy and her family in your prayers, even if you are a pagan heathen like me. LOVE YOU TOO MUCH, HUGS MY BESTICLE.

sorry to end on such a downer note. heres a parrot pouring creamer to make you feel better.

love you truly,
Jesika Lin