Lip Balm and Adult Dildo Rockers

hey dolls! finally got around to spending my Ulta gift card and instead of getting the bare minerals set or the BM eyeshadow ive been drooling over, i bought a bunch of random shit. 

i did get this Revlon "siren" lipstick that ive been lusting after for a month. Revlon was showcasing some of their classic lipsticks and i had a boner for this bright, fantastic orange. i totally love the 50s Revlon logo as well, reminds me of Barbie! [also pictured: 'android karenina' which Brittany got me for xmas!!! its an awesome read. blowing through it much faster than i did the original in college. it helps that anna's husband is a cyborg and theres a mining robot named "Tit."]

cant wait to wear it. i love me some uber bright lipstick. my fav brights are Maybelline's "cool watermelon" (super candy-bright orange-pinkyred) and L'Oreal's "sea fleur" (vibrant fushia-violet). this is over our work notebook, thats why you can plainly see "cockring" just below the lipstick. tip: dont call the store asking us to describe how cockrings work. we know youre a creeper.

ive been regressing and am super into lip smackers lately. lately ive been rocking cotton candy and strawberry vanilla. then OMG i found these special edition Paul Frank ones!!! OMFG ITS CALLED "BUNNY GIRL'S CARROT CAKE." who can resist??? unfortuantely, although its super cute, for some reason it smells like indian food to me. maybe its just my frequent trips to Star of India lately?? seriously, thats the way it smells though.

in the center we have Sally Hanson's Vita B lip moisturizer. its been super cold and dry here in minnesota and ive been craving hardcore lip balm. this stuff is super silky and makes my lips feel awesome. its berry flavored and supposedly has vitamin b, acai and pomegranate to improve your lips condition... this is mainly what i was going for as i can keep reapplying lip smackers til the cows come home but yall know it doesnt actually do anything to actually CURE your lip's dryness. plus cute clear tube!! although i was a little miffed when i checked my reciept and learned this sucker was $4.99... thats pretty fucking high for lip balm.

this has got me longing for middle school, the heyday of lip balm obsession. one time my friend Sara and i were at a party [with an actual DJ... pretty awesome for 8th grade amirite? he was our classmate though... but i saw that guy this summer doing sound for Lords of Acid!] and we ate an entire tin of cherry vanilla tip balm! it was super tasty but im surprised we didnt have terrible barfing and shitting fits. i cant remember what brand it was... it was from Target and it was some kind of "naturals" brand along the bottom of the last row... i really cant remember the name but i know it was all fruit flavored stuff and i distinctly remember things being "guava" flavored. the balm was super rich and buttery. SOMEONE HELP ME OUT HERE!!! dammit.

EDIT: its this shit!! i cant figure out what the parent brand is though, i know they carried other products as well. but that cherry vanilla balm was the fucking shit.

Sara was also the queen of the old skool Bath & Body Works. you know, with the red and white checked awnings?? there were red and white tablecloths too and the salewomen had to wear red aprons, are you remembering this shit?? shit was all in baskets and barrels, they were going for the apple orchard thing i guess. all the product labels were hand drawn fruits and stuff.

my friends and i were super into rigid roles... everyone had THEIR signature color, THEIR powerpuff girl, THEIR 'now & then' character [amirite?? i was gaby hoffman/demi moore, the chainsmoking writer of course] and of course, their official B&BW scent. Sara's was Country Apple. she had EVERYTHING. i was a mooch and always stopped by her locker between classes to borrow her lotion [i was too cheap to buy my own B&BW]. and Sara always had the creme de la creme of lipbalms, the fat B&BW stick. like twice the size of a regular lipbalm, super buttery and delicious. the best flavors were again, cherry vanilla, and sun-ripened raspberry. these products are so fucking old i cant even find pics of them, because they were totally pre-internet. if anybody else remembers these, please comment!!

edit: Jill [the blond darling in the stripey shirt below] found this pic of the old country apple logo! yup i remeber these spritz bottles with the textured top. mm it smells like my all-time favorite year, 1998! someday ill do a post on this most awesome of years.

BONUS!!!1?: OLD SKOOL JAMZ 90S PICTURE!!!

das the crew at my fourteenth or fifteenth birthday party. that would be me on the far right in my favorite 'boys lie' tee shirts, being a little babydyke. Sara is the one looking so adorably goth in one of her gazillion smashing pumpkins tee shirt [she had every single one!!] rest assured we have all grown up to be about ten million times hotter than this!! now quick, guess which 3 are married with kids, which one is a world travelling former model and which one is a polyamorist porn store employee!

sorry, major digression... gah... ok also pictured above is an OPI nailpolish from the cher-xtina 'burlesque' movie collection [did anybody see that movie? it looked like badly acted gay vomit to me]. this is called 'let me entertain you' and its a dense magenta glitter. on sale too!!

at the last minute i grabbed this pumice block for my uber peely winter heels. bonus: its called "Rock Bottom"! just like moi!!! but after this i had a horrible nightmare that i was pumicing my heel, and i sloughed off all the skin and flesh until  only had this totally awkward, weird shaped heel bone to walk on. it was fucking terrifying!! now im totally afraid to pumice myself...

how about a mini tour of some weird shit we have at work??

we just got this fabulous adult rocker/sit & spin!! my boss is totally freaked out by it because it looks so much like one of her 3 year olds toys and is totally packaged like its from fisher price. for me its somewhere in between being a good idea and being totally creepy. i mean, yes i would like a peice of furniture that would replace a boyfriend. but i would feel way fucking silly sitting in my aparment rocking and humping this thing.

this gal seems to be enjoying it though.

im disturbed/skeptical. ps this is probably my favorite totally weird photo of myself.

this is Phyllis, our mannequin. if you dont work at Fantasy Gifts, please do not take your picture with her, its just fucking weird. also do not grope her boobs or check to see what her nipples look like. i say hi to her whenever i walk by and right now im commisserating with her for still having to wear her santa hat even though its after new years. poor, poor Phyllis. [dont ask me why thats her name. thats what she was introduced as when i started 3 years ago.]

rock on, ya'll.

O Christmas Boil!

hello my chiclets!! i hope you all had an excellent christmahannukwanzikah, or festivus for the rest of us. or animal sacrifice to the dark lord, or drunken atheistic rambling. i had a little bit of each.



did you get all the presents you wanted from sandy claws? im still waiting for my pony. i did get some super awesome gift cards for target and **ULTA**, my mecca in the sky.



cant wait to go spend it, i think im getting this bare minerals holiday kit if they have them on sale now. i also got the cutest target gift card:



and i got this FUCKING DELICIOUS smelling candle that i picked out myself at Bed Bath and Beyond... its christmas cookie scented and smells like fucking buttercream frosting.



theres your christmas cleavage. it takes all the strength i have not to shove it down my gullet or spread it on toast.



+ minty holiday nails!!

 speaking of presents, i was a totally naughty kitty and spent 90% of my xmas shopping expeditions buying shit for myself. NAUGHTY!! but xmas in my family can be a little shithouse, so i feel like i deserve to buy myself some happy. as we discussed previously, im currently on a scent expedition to make myself smell as delectable as possible. im going for the perfect yumminess that will make girls burst into flame from jealousy and boys jizz in their pants. also i just like buying things.

so ive been kind of obsessed with kohls lately, mainly for the fact that they are open til midnight during the xmas season, and since i am an insomniac vampire its perfect for me. omg i found these most excellent vera wang strappy wedge booties that i ALMOST bought for j**s xmas party [but i was worried my fractured foot might bitchslap me]. i might still buy them. at over fifty dollars they would be the most expensive pair of shoes ive ever bought for myself.

its hard to tell from the pic, but theyre open between all the straps. so its sort of a bootie-sandal hybrid that i could wear in winter with tights and without in summer. ooh, or with socks, theyd look so chic. i might still have to buy them...

so whilst at kohls i became super into their ubercheap [$12.99?~?!?!11], supercute slipper booties. normally seeing ugg-type boots or lazy ass slippers causes me to fly into a eye-scratching, hair-pulling bloodthirsty rage [everyone knows of the time i had to be restrained from attacking that girl in green sweatpants and tan uggs at cold stone creamery], but these are FREAKING CUTE. ribbon lacing, attached wooly legwarmers, and my of course my favorite, studded straps. i had to freaking get them! i think theyre stylish enough to wear as shoes. they look freaking cute with skirts and tights. i still dislike the ugly rounded toe on this style of boot, but they are so comfortable its forgiveable. i might go back and get some more booties.

oh, my slipper-bootie issue started with these bad boys from walmart:



theyre pretty much just socks with a suede bottom. but HOLY HANNAH are they cute and comfy! i cant wait til the snow goes away so i can wear them outside. you best believe ill be wearing these in summer!

so i got sucked into the fragrance area and went a little nuts.



i ended up buying a *shudder* avril lavigne fragrance, Forbidden Rose. she does a clothing line & fragrances exclusively for kohls. i kind of got over avril after the year i got my drivers license, but her bottles are pretty and shit smells good. i was torn between Black Star, which has a cuter bottle, and Forbidden Rose which surprisingly smelled better. i expected it to smell floral-y, and i normally hate flower scents ESPECIALLY rose. maybe i have an aversion because of my allergies and a lifetime of sneezing in gardens, at peoples flower arrangements, and even in the fake flower aisle of craft stores? or roses just smell yucky. doesnt matter. anyways, forbidden rose smells sort of fruity-musky to me, which is perfect. according to Fragrantica, what im smelling is red apple and sandalwood. there is a bit of lotus and heliotrope in the heart that i think i dont like initially, but i like it better once its warmed on my skin.



im thinking about buying Black Star too, mainly because the bottle is so frikking cute. omg, i think i might be becoming a fragrance junkie.



yes im totally embarrassed by this advertisement.

i also picked up a small size bottle of kohls brand Flirt!'s Flirtatious scent [$9.99 for the small bottle]. sexy lip bottle, right! so 80s, it reminds me of earth girls are easy. its a delicious sort of fruity, vanilla-y scent. not overly cloying or sweet with the vanilla, more warm. apparently it has honeysuckle in it, which is a flower scent i can tolerate. its a delicious scent, the kind you want to wear every day. seriously, i just sprayed it on my arm and i cant stop smelling it. if you like juicy, fruity scents you should definately pick up a bottle.



at the very last minute i saw a 5 pack of sparkley body sprays which includes a MARSHMALLOW TREAT scent, so OF COURSE i had to buy it, y'all know why. also it was half off so i got it for like six bucks. i figured i would divide them up among my friends and keep some for myself.



unfortunately most of them smell pretty weird to me. marshmallow treat smells kind of like mens cologne. the candy scent was pretty tasty, as well as this pink sugar frosting i kept for myself. i guess these kind of drug store fragrances are kind of hit-or-miss when it comes to actually smelling like theyre supposed to. these arent bad, just most smell kind of generally sweet. i hope everyone who got one as a gift likes them! at least theyre sparkley!

as i said, christmastime can be kinda yucksauce in my family... grandma decided she couldnt make the drive up because she had a boil in her ear. yes, a fucking boil. THE CHRISTMAS BOIL. at this point i decided i needed to get drunk as soon as christmas was over [not before, so i didnt embarrass myself in front of my aunts 86 year old mother, who is terrified of my aunt cindy's elephant painting]. so i got together with my best boos on sunday and proceed to get shitfaced at our favorite bar, the White Horse. i drank a multitude of sex on the beaches and southern hospitalities, had ice and pennies thrown into my boobs, groped my friend angie, and watched my friend Josh G. get happily molested by our sexy-geeky waiter.



das me on the left, bundled up in my coat. Josh took this photo while standing atop a giant snow heap. Jenn L. is at the top and my best homegirl Amy B. is the one in the hood looking like shes about to mug someone.

then we proceeded on to perkins, of course, where we thought we would be the annoying drunk table... OH HOW WE WERE WRONG. in stumbled possibly the most whorish creature ive ever seen in perkins, where i see a multitude of drunken sleazebag state school hos on a weekly basis [its true what they say in Superbad, "where the girls are twice as dumb and thus twice as likely to fellashe me"]. holy mother of god. you have never seen a ho like this. i dont even know if ludacris has. leopard print miniskirt. one boot up, one boot down. oddly half crimped hair. she stumbled in and tried to sit on a strange girl's lap in the lobby.



the girls were trying to help a wasted sister out by pleading with her not to bend over, which she ignored, and i took pictures. sorry they're blurry, shes distorting reality with her waves of sluttyness.



she tortured our poor homosexual waiter by bending over the counter and insisting he take her order from there. she and her fellow harpy drowned out everyone else in the place with disturbingly jersey-shore-esque hooting. i wish i can remember what they said, all i can recall now is "OMG, HOW ABOUT IF I ORDER FOR MYSELF AND YOU ORDER FOR YOU???" there were so many more gems, i wish i could remember them. at the end of the night, in a moment of pity for the waiter, i went over and asked them to be quiet. it was a very special experience, in which the whore tried unsuccessfully to focus on my face, told me her name was april and made me promise that we would be friends.



woot woot those are Ang T.'s totally bodacious bosoms creeping in on the frame. im not gonna lie, i grabbed them a few times that night. SHE STARTED IT.

overall a most excellent night. one of my high school buddies, the darlingest David H., was in town from california and we showed him the true meaning of a St Cloud good time.


merry christmas from the Tinkler [Josh G].

kisses,
your blogatrix,

Jesika Lin