Monday, January 24, 2011

Up Harry Hamlin's Skirt [baby thinking of you keeps me up all night]

god damn my boyfriend for being so fucking awesome that i wake up with this song in my head. yes hun, you do drive me crazy by calling me a tattooed venus, but now i have to watch this video and its full of nineties tack. you know its the 90s when melissa joan hart is in it trying to be sexy. YOU WERE IN A SHOW WITH AN ANIMATRONIC CAT [A SHITTY ONE]. NO MORE CAREER FOR YOU. we'll always love clarissa explains it all though. all i ever wanted was to dress like her, and like claudia kishi from the babysitters club books [first asian crush??].

bonus baby adrian grenier!

what the fuck have i been up to lately?... well jackerella moved in. the kitchen is still a disturbing warren of boxes but we have the living room and bedroom all set up, and our all important nerd lair/miniLAN/woman cave computer area is set up, which is where we are right now. sitting a foot away from each other nerding out in our own seperate worlds. right now shes watching some show about nerds trying to compete for a job at the playstation channel, or something. and im watching britney videos. i think we're both surprising each other with how nerdy we are in more ways than either can anticipate. we're also farting a lot and enjoying watching tv from our seperate couches with our pants unzipped.

we also got our old skool Clash of the Titans on the other night [not in french though... this is a badass poster though, i wants it]. i used to watch it all the time with my mom, along with Jason and the Argonauts, which has some groundbreaking and awesome stop-motion special effects. if you havent seen this movie you HAVE TO. not the shitty remake.... but ESPECIALLY if youve already seen the remake and need even more proof that it sucks sweaty ballsack. i havent seen the old one in about ten years and it was even better than i remembered. parts of it had me lol'in so bad.

Clash stars Harry Hamlin, known to folks like me as Logan's smarmy actor dad on Veronica Mars, and husband to the uber creepy blowup doll woman Lisa Rinna. *sigh*.... logan. i miss you vmars. anyways hamlin was a young stud when this movie was made and basically trots around like a beskirted male model the whole movie with a vacant, slightly puzzled expression on his face. apparently Perseus is really confused by all the goings on in ancient greece and somehow gets roped into trying to save the city/princess and has to have a bunch of magical items and creatures help him because he's infinately fucking stupid. the gods give him a bunch of special weapons, each of which he uses once and then loses. invisibility helmet? oops, i dropped that in a swamp. awesome sword? uhh... i cant seem to keep it in my hand. whoopsies. but look at my sweet mandress!

i imagine that a lot of gay dudes like this movie because its basically two hours of mancandy. perseus wears some ridiculously fabulous little outfits. he also looks freakishly like my ex boyfriend jack, who was also pretty but useless.

dang, look at that. you can see why i kept him around even after he started acting like a chode. plus he made this awesome jim face:

one of my favorite photos ive ever taken of anyone. yes we brought our jim mug to perkins. he was just the kind of chode who brought his own mug everywhere.

anyways so harry hamlin... is pretty boy and my mom called him a "pornstar" today in a derogatory fashion. old skool Titans also had way spookier special effects in my opinion. theres something about the old monster-movie stop motion claymation that is just hella scary... maybe its the inhuman nature the clay brings to features or the jerky way they move. the old medusa was way scarier, i mean this is one evil bitch:

oh shit, you dont want to cross her! shes all wicked witch of the west + snakes. [and y'all must know, i LOVE me some wicked witch!!] i found medusa in the shithouse 2010 version to be way too human looking and also too sexy. shes not supposed to be hot-evil, shes supposed to be so fucking hideous that her UGLINESS is what turns you to stone. i mean i love me some sexy demons and evil gods, but this is supposed to be one of the scariest parts of the movie. so we go from this:

to this:

no bueno. youre not in any way supposed to want to have sex with medusa. she'll pwn your ass.

another scary bitch from the old Titans is Calibos, goddess/nymph queen Thetis's son who was cursed by Zeus to become a hideous monster. Calibos was supposed to marry Andromeda who becomes Perseus's lady, so now his only option is to send a giant vulture to Andromeda every night who carries her spirit/consciousness in a cage to his creepy swamp lair so he can tell her riddles and shit. obviously. what else is a spurned lover supposed to do. hes a total creeper who has a bunch of greek hillbillies and midgets to serve him.

yucksauce, dude. cant you feel him undressing you with his eyes? EWWW. CREEPERS GON CREEP!! i cant stop staring at his giant wrestling belt... and wtf is that on the left, a giant paperclip? little black slide trombone? its a shame they turned him into Perseus's lightning-deformed father in the remake, he lost his perv vibe. Calibos had a really creepy swishy devil tail and after Perseus cuts his hand off he replaces it with a sick trident hand!! plus then there was this whole rivalry between his mother Thetis, played by the divine miss Maggie Smith, lookin hot back in the day, and Zeus, Perseus's father. There was much more god stuff in the old one, including my favorite goddess Athena with her adorable owl pet who nestles and coos against her. She makes a version out of gold named Bubo and sends him down to help Perseus. it was by far my favorite part of the movie as a kid and he still fucking rules.

he's adorable as shit! he speaks in clicks and whistles and falls down a lot. and totally saves Pereus' ass most of the time. the dumb shit cant even handle hanging on to Medusa's head to kill the Kraken, that was all Bubo, all the way. in the remake they briefly take Bubo out of a box, decide they dont need him, and fucking leave him behind to go on their gay little quest. LAME! BAD CHOICE GREEKS!

oh yeah, and if youre still on the fence about the old Titans, there's also totally random nudity. thats right, N00Ds. right of the bat, Zeus sends Perseus and his madre to a remote island so they'll be safe while he destroys their city, and you see all little disturbingly sexual nursing going on.

dude, im freaked out just having this on my computer, im deleting it right away. OMG just as i was typing this jackie got up to get a pop and was like "AHHH! you need to warn me if youre looking at stuff like that!" goddamn it Clash of the Titans, now my roommate thinks i have a lactation fetish. EWW.

kay so then we see Lil Perseus taking a strangely nude walk with mommy down the beach. no wonder this guy grew up to wear dresses. immediately after this scene we see Perseus riding a horse bareback in a tiny loincloth. ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL US SOMETHING CLASH OF THE TITANS??? anyways its a good movie for people who like to see women's asses and boobiez.

you also get to see Greek Barbie aka Andromeda taking a sexy bath. yay for random boobies!!

thus concludes my Titans rant. highly, highly recommend it, and you can get it in the value bin at Walmart for five bucks! cant go wrong. oh, i got Interview with the Vampire too, as well as THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE which ive been wanting to see for 6+ months. really want to have a human centipede party... maybe we could play twister. ill let you know how that goes.

keep it real, kittens. be like me: wear your female cosby sweater, cram a ginormous peice of sushi in your moth and show those bitches how its done.


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