Thursday, March 3, 2011

Pink Elepants! Pink Elephants on Your Wang!

hey boos! as promised, my friend Emily started her book review youtube channel, you can find her at Chronicles of Daisyland. heres a sample of how adorable and awesome her videos are!

doesnt that just make you want to go caress your own books and gaze tenderly at your own bookshelf? i might have to start doing my own reviews or at least a bookshelf tour, because i do love my books muchly and i have TONS of them. plus new forum of nerdery!!

i haz blue hair now! this is a crappy photo of it and everything seems to be whited out except my double chin, but huzzah, here it is. better pictures... in the future hopefully. will take pictures tomorrow when i go out with the gurls. tomorrow we're going to Mongos [delicious mongolian bbq which an argueably racist name] and then out for drinks. should be righteous.

here's a little naughty sex tour of stuff we've got going on at Fantasy Gifts right now. this here is the Ogee from Screaming O that we just got in. supposed to be totally the shit, but i was pretty surprised at the $50 pricetag, considering it doesnt have dual motors. supposedly the bullet on the left "sends vibrations" throughout the whole thing, but that usually doesnt get the job done for me. i need a bullet right up on my business for that to work, although i guess if youre more sensitive this might do it. it can function like the WeVibe, which is also U-shaped and worn half inside against the Gspot and half outside against the clitoris during vaginal sex. this one can do the same thing, which is awesome for couples, but it doesnt have the extra vibration on the inside so i dont know if it could actually give you the Gspot orgasm. i do like that this one is super bendable so you can get the uses of several different kinds of toys out of it. we'll see if it sells... it is about half the price of the WeVibe so maybe it'll be a hit with couples. we've got it right up by the counter too, but its a little pricey for an impulse buy.

this thing gives me the roflz to no end. its a vibrating cock ring with a little elephant on it. complete with little feet and trunk. im all for vibrating cock rings-- never used one myself but i think theyre awesome and lots of couples like them-- but if i had a dick id draw the line at a little pink elephant taking residence on my wang.  id think looking down on that would be a major bonerkiller. plus me and my ex had this major thing for elephants, and i so with we were still in touch so i could show him this and give him the lols.

this is our evolved tower which is extra pretty and i like to hang out around it and bask in its candy colors and sleek packages. theyre little tin and clear plastic boxes with little metal fasteners, super super cute i almost want to shell out the dough for a mediocre-powered toy just to get the totally kickass box. and omg dont you wish you had those little black stands for your own vibrators?!

closeup on the awesome boxes... that pink sucker on the right just might be mine come tax return time.... i usually try to spring for one expensive toy a year. last year i got the Sqweel, this year i think its finally time to get a fancy rabbit-style vibe. this one has little plastic discs inside that move in wave patterns, that should feel pretty freaking awesome in your vagazzle.

we got these sexily-packaged mondo dildos in based off of the real weiners of gay porn stars. its Mark Lucas' After Hours line. as yooj gay porn stars are WAY more attractive than straight porn stars, who are all steroid looking and ginormous and always keep their white socks and KSwisses on. there are virtually no straight male porn stars i find attractive.... pretty much just keni styles, sometimes james deen and sometimes jean val jean. pictured here is the fucking delicious Ben Andrews , who i would like a replica of to keep in my closet. OH MY GOD DELICIOUS LITTLE BOD. and i have a total weakness for cute gay little briefs like that. if only my man wasnt commando only... i should totally weasel him into wearing a pair of those bad boys. id have those suckers spit covered in no time.

hello my baby, hello my darlin!! mama likes... mama needs one to keep in her closet post-haste! seriously, perfect tiny bod and a GINORMOUS WANG. i suppose i ought to explain... i am not actually obsessed with giant weiners. i mean, theyre fine and all... but in recent times my best boo Amy B and i began the sharing of weiner pics [which we drunkenly coerce from our male suitors via sext] and constant weiner talk. we're just doing the guy locker room talk thing, only lady style. plus... say the word "weiner" for me. say it out loud. doesnt it feel good. weiner. peen. wang. wanger. dong. weenus. peener. ahhh it just feels so good.

anya: "now im burdened with a husband and several tiny pink children and more cash than i can manage..."
xander: "sweetie, that means youre winning."
anya: "really? im so pleased! can i trade in the children for more cash?"

ohh. if only.

kudos to the totally flaming, hand-on-hip sassy Wilfried Knight! get your sass-hand on sister.

ok... he reminds me a little bit of my bf. masculinely hairy balanced with a touch of fabulosity.

and the man himself, Michael Lucas. givin me lolz with his best zoolander duck face and ridiculously proportioned body. ahhhhhhhhh nothing in this picture seems to make sense, the more i stare at it the more i feel like im going insane! is it just me or is his head too big for his body? doesnt everything look ridonk? is it just terribly photoshopped? someone give me the dealyo.

yet another example of the unfair advantage gay porn has. ok, this guy is a little blah in the face, looking a big like a derpa ryan gosling, but hello, tattoo and pink shorts! this is really just male solos so technically its not really gay porn, and its font & design looks just like the Playgirl features we have, so maybe its directed toward women too? idk. all i know is that we need to see more of this kind of thing in hetero porn. share the love, boys.

not that i dont enjoy just watching gay porn. it has the tasty honeys and ive always loved boy/boy action, but it has its drawbacks too. ive never seen gay porn with good oral unless its hardcore/s&m dungeon stuff [embarrassingly i have a huge boner for a certain Cum Fucking Skinheads volume]... seriously, do gay porn dudes just not care as much as female porn stars about making their oral look good? nobody goes deep or does anything that looks interesting. i feel like people in gay porn dont try as hard. and once they get down to it... i just cant watch like 20 minutes of straight [lol no pun intended... i mean continuous] buttfucking. in and out. blah blah blah. idk... the world seems nuts about anal sex, but i think it looks boring. its gotta have interesting positions, and the close up sucks. peen in ass looks like basically nothing. pussy definately has its benefits.

oh the reason i posted this particular title is that Mr Tight Latin Manholes totally looks like my yummy friend Dave from california... miss you, you naughty little thing!

Tengas are the cutest male sex toys ever!!! the really make me wish i have a dick so i could stick it in one! oh the japanese... they think of everything. ive finger-fucked many of these and they feel super good... both true-to-pussy lifelike and dareisay a bit better with different textures and suction-ness. not that its better than having a real girl, but its a pretty pleasant treat for your ween if you dont have one on hand.

or you could go the other route and get the amputated lady below... shes like a girlfriend only without the pesky head and limbs!

pretty sexy covers...

Phyllis got some sexy new threads! i totally want this outfit... it comes with the blindfold too! its very slinky and soft.

and here we have the Bane of Big Girls Everywhere. the worlds cutest lingerie, available only in small, medium and large. Emily and I have mused over it many times and despite some brief wishful self-delusions have decided that we cannot, no matter how hard we try, squeeze into the large and have it look anything but retarded. i mean i probably COULD physcially get it around me, but it would sort of be like a ruffly belt with two triangular pasties covering my nipples. and it would not be pretty.

but UGHHHH it has butt ruffles! and a butt bow!!!! and those little dots? YEAH THEYRE HEARTS. ARE YOU DYING INSIDE? IM DYING INSIDE. #drama#

and again with the stabs in the heart, this time from the panties that only come in midget sizes. the large? yeah, its the only one that would fit on our panty mannequin... the one who's only the front half of a lady and has no ass. yes, if you are exactly one-half of a person, you can wear a size large!

but do not despair, my buxom beauties. we got new plus size Dreamgirls lingerie today!! actually we got the same styles in one size fits most too-- its a rare awesome occasion when we get the same cute styles in both sizes, being that the plus size DG section is like 1/4 the size of the regular. this is the sweet schoolgirl... its pink plaid, my weekness!!! needz it.

sexy maid! of all the typical fantasy outfits, maid is like the only one i dont have because a) i think servitude fantasies are a little creepy, and maids dont turn me on and b) we never have any cute ones. but this one's pretty adorable. [well we have a full on little maids dress, but its expensive... im planning on buying it for going as Columbia to Rocky Horror, maybe for march's show...  the Uptown Theater in Minneapolis hosts it the last saturday of every month, preformed by the lovely Transvestite Soup crew, check it out! really fucking good times.

and theres another sexy cop outfit [sorry for blurry photo, camera hates DG packages]! totally my weakness!  i have a sexy cop halloween costume that i ADORE and have worn to concerts and stuff cuz it has this hawt vinyl corset waist and little vinyl epaulets that connect to a collar... it actually might be featured on some KMFDM live videos because i was in the front row being filmed shakin my ass and dreads! but this... is like a bedroom version of my dress. still with the sexy waist! and a badge and a hat! i can wear it with my hooker boots! ughhh.... but its black though and i wanted to buy less black lingerie and more fun colors... uggggghhh what should i buy, and dont say all three! helpz.

just wanted to leave you with these gems... totally hideous and Should Be on the Nanny, amirite? but... arent they kind of alluring? like, i wanna be a big trashy black lady and dance in these like i dont fucking care? [they have two ankle staps, that helps] seriously, i tried these on considering buying them. but they are UNGODLY FUCKING UNCOMFORTABLE. i really wish. i wouldve bought them and indulged my fran dresch dreams, for real.

so i went on my weekly trip to yon walsmart and bought my usual crapton of things. they finally have the Physicians Formula Happy Booster makeup!! its a light reflecting bronzer thingy thats supposed to have... plant ingredients and... stuff... that makes you happy. somehow. with science. and it smells like violets!! and its pink and shiny and has a little pink heart of blush... oh cmon. the science may be questionable but its awesome anyways. i put it on and it surrounded me with good violety smells [i think i had a scented blush like this when i was little, you know that toy kiddie makeup you used to get... omg i had this awesome strawberry shortcake makeup...], i never checked it out to see if it makes me glowy and light-diffusey, hopefully it doesnt make me look like an oompa loompa or my favorite, The Glazed Donut:

what color is that??? tangerine? keep in mind this is an actual person that jackie knows, somebodys xgirlfriend, who PAINTS herself this color every day. my ex's exact reaction "omg its a glazed donut wtf." exactamundo.

maybe i am turning into one of those lame sweatpants wearing snooki wannabes because i bought some hemp Malibu lotion, favorite of skin cancer booth junkies. i got it cuz its a big honkin bottle and i wanted to smell summery. dont judge me. maybe i just wanted a drink. mmmmojito.

and at last we come to the end of our nights journey... the movie haul. really wish i had a little fishermans net to put these into... because im a retard like that. all the movies are $5, totally my new addiction. we have Fern Gully, which my FB homeskillets convinced me i could not live without after i passed it over last week. apparently everyone loves this little slice of our past... remember when rainforests were like a super big deal back in like 1994? i rember being in 3rd or 4th grade and doing a whole unit on them, and tranforming our room into a fake rainforest... and there was this rap about it... remember playing Amazon Trail??? that was the shit! takin pictures... spearfishing and hitting that fucking log!! those were the days.

me to jackie just now: "you are so lucky you cant sneeze into your own boobs. it sucks."

as you can see, i also got The Orphanage, awesome guillermo del toro flick, Zack and Miri Make a Porno, which of course i love because it has porn stars, dildos and star wars, both Jeepers Creepers movies which i havent seen and i hope dont suck, but for $2.50 each it doesnt matter too much. im on a super horror movie kick lately. i wasnt too impressed with Trick r Treat which i bought last week. id heard good things about it, and it was mildly entertaining but not scary at all. and i also got season 2.0 of Battlestar Galactica... ive only seen season 1 and that was a few years ago, but i think its time to get back into the geekiness.

thats all for tonight, i hope ive thouroughly exhausted you with bloggy goodness. jackie and i are having a little buffy season 5 marathon and ive got to get back to the Riley-hating. right now im praying his heart will explode. cross your fingers with me.

Jesika Gothowitz

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